Wednesday, June 13, 2012

June 13

Today is June 13th. How did I come to know that? Did I look at my calendar? No. Have I been anticipating this day, watching the days pass knowing it was going to be Wednesday? No. I mean I knew we were getting to the middle of June. I knew the 13th would fall sometime this week. But I hadn't put it into my mind which day of the week it would fall on.

But this morning as soon as I woke up I just KNEW that today was June 13th and the 4 year anniversary mark of the worst day of my life. How? Dreams, or rather nightmares. Specifically the one I had just before waking of my baby girl, so tiny yet walking, escaping from me in a classroom as we prepared to go. Of someone allowing her to get out of the door. Of someone helping her step down the curb and into the school parking lot as I chased her as fast as I could screaming for someone to stop her. Of everyone looking at me and ignoring me as my baby girl walked faster than I could run away from me out of the parking lot and out of sight. Of me screaming all the while for SOMEONE to stop her and pick her up and save her. And of feeling so intensely mad and bewildered that not only did no one stop her but that so many people helped her along the way.

Then I woke up and knew, it must be June 13th. My subconscious knows even if I do not. And I am left with the imprint of that very vivid dream to go about this day. Were there unseen helpers aiding her escape that day? Did angels help her escape her high chair and across the hot cement and up the steps to the spa? More importantly, were angels there to help her and comfort her as she drowned?


No matter how healed I become and I do feel mostly healed, I will never like June 13th.


15 comments:

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

Oh what a dream. Angels were always around your Camille and still around all our children now. I am hoping you have signs today that make your heart lighter my friend~

Carolyn said...

Love you!

Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie said...

I am thinking and praying for you so much today. You are amazing.
Love Kendra

SlonikerScoop said...

Oh wow! I am literally sobbing and so sad for you. What a profound post - especially the last 3 sentences! I don't know you but I am inspired by you. Thanks you.

shanan said...

Thinking of you and your sweet girl today.

Sarah S. said...

Thinking of you today.....

Sarah said...

Praying for you and your family this day.

Darren said...

I have been thinking about you alot today Steph. We will always remember and never forget. We love you and love Camille....

Darren

The Ellsworths said...

You don't know me, but I have lost a child too. I feel your pain. Like you, I will never like March 26th. I pray you have a beautiful day with angels still surrounding you. I KNOW they were there with your sweet Camille. A loving Heavenly Father would have it no other way.

Kami Beck said...

Love you, Steph. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. You are an amazing mother with an angel daughter by your side. . . forever.

Danielle said...

No words can really be enough. The depths of sadness for your angel girl.

Sending love across the oceans and thinking how nice that your angel so little but so big to be able to reach me.

Dx

Melissa said...

I know the feeling. I can't explain it. The loss, the pain, it's almost as if it's left a permanent imprint in our cells and as those anniversaries approach they get riled up and culminate in different ways to remind us subtly... you have lost.

Thank you for continuing to share your story.

larsen family said...

Oh Stephanie, I hate those kind of dreams. I am thinking of you and your sweet family today. I know sweet Camille will be close.
Sending Hugs!
Jen

Sammy said...

Just a far away friend dropping by to say I still think about and pray for you and your family. Just the other day my Mom and I were talking about those we know with angel children and what incredible examples they are. I'm sorry for your horrible dream - but I too know that angels were preparing and showing Camille the way long before June 13th.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. Grief is tricky, always rearing it's ugly head when I least expect it....and even on days when I expect it and try to prepare for it, it can sometimes come with such intensity that I can't seem to keep ahead of the pain. You are doing wonderfully, keeping in touch with these very real emotions and dissecting them to try to understand more of how to get through it. And when the pain level gets too high and you reach your breaking point, I'm confident you know Whose hand to reach for. It's the only way we will ever make it. Wishing you joy in this ever changing journey....You are a blessing to all who read your words and realize we are not alone.