I am still finding my emotions just beneath the surface. I will just be driving in the car and want to just cry. But I am smiling at the same time. I want to cry because I feel her so near and I miss her sweet spirit. Feeling her touches such a tender place in me that tears are inevitable.
Yet I am smiling as the tears fall. I am smiling because I am so happy to feel her near. I am smiling because I fully appreciate the blessings in my life and I am so grateful for my children. I feel filled with love for them each and every one. And again more tears come with that feeling too.
Gratitude. What debt of gratitude is mine!
Tonight I went to practice a performance some of the women in our church are putting on for a women's event. It is a musical depiction of the Ten Virgins. I play one of the foolish virgins and sing a song about trying to push away the cares of the everyday and focus on what matters - filling my lamp. In the end I am too distracted by the chores and I am left with no oil when the Bridegroom comes.
I hadn't listened to all the other songs before tonight. I was just focused on getting my song down. Tonight as I heard all the others with it I was moved. I was especially moved by the last "virgin" who broke her lamp and had to go to the "Shopkeeper" to get it fixed. She ends up being a wise virgin. I was struck by this verse in her song:
I'll pick up the pieces, every little bit
I'll gather all of them, even ones that seem impossible to fix
And I'll place them all in His hands
What I cannot restore, He can.
Actually her whole song hit me but this verse in particular went to the core. I felt like I did in the early days of my grief in that I just didn't care if people saw me cry or not. I took the cover off my grief and let it breathe. It is a beautiful thing to feel safe enough with other people to be able to do that.
Truly what I cannot restore He can ... and He will. And that is the glory of Easter.