Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Grief Breathing

I am still finding my emotions just beneath the surface. I will just be driving in the car and want to just cry. But I am smiling at the same time. I want to cry because I feel her so near and I miss her sweet spirit. Feeling her touches such a tender place in me that tears are inevitable.

Yet I am smiling as the tears fall. I am smiling because I am so happy to feel her near. I am smiling because I fully appreciate the blessings in my life and I am so grateful for my children. I feel filled with love for them each and every one. And again more tears come with that feeling too.

Gratitude. What debt of gratitude is mine!

Tonight I went to practice a performance some of the women in our church are putting on for a women's event. It is a musical depiction of the Ten Virgins. I play one of the foolish virgins and sing a song about trying to push away the cares of the everyday and focus on what matters - filling my lamp. In the end I am too distracted by the chores and I am left with no oil when the Bridegroom comes.

I hadn't listened to all the other songs before tonight. I was just focused on getting my song down. Tonight as I heard all the others with it I was moved. I was especially moved by the last "virgin" who broke her lamp and had to go to the "Shopkeeper" to get it fixed. She ends up being a wise virgin. I was struck by this verse in her song:

I'll pick up the pieces, every little bit
I'll gather all of them, even ones that seem impossible to fix
And I'll place them all in His hands
What I cannot restore, He can.

Actually her whole song hit me but this verse in particular went to the core. I felt like I did in the early days of my grief in that I just didn't care if people saw me cry or not. I took the cover off my grief and let it breathe. It is a beautiful thing to feel safe enough with other people to be able to do that.

Truly what I cannot restore He can ... and He will. And that is the glory of Easter.

7 comments:

The Lucksters said...

Thanks for that. My husband was just telling me on Easter that he got an answer to something he has struggled with... Sometimes there seems to be no healing when there is a priesthood blessing. But now he usnderstands that Christ will heal all. Some times when we ask him for things his answer is "I will" We must trust in him.
You always make my day better, and make me think more about the important things.
Thanks,
Kellie

Brittany said...

I love that picture. And the words to that song are beautiful. Your posts are always so inspirational. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Stephanie,
I just "happened" upon your blog not too long ago...I have never really experienced the grief of losing someone close to me, yet I find myself at night, reading blogs of mothers who have lost their children and just crying and crying, letting out of me, anything that can even come out, not much allows that to happen besides anything raw and real. Otherwise my days are filled with going thru the motions and being about as numb and closed off as you could get. I'm a young single mom and have spiraled into deep depression that this time around I'm having a very hard time pulling out of. I started writing you a letter that I don't know if I'll ever finish, and if I ever did, I'm not sure I'd send it....I wanted to ask if you would just simply pray for me from afar. I have been closed off to anything related to God, religion, spirituality, Jesus, the Bible etc. since about age 14 when my family was, we'll say, disowned from the non denominational Christian church I grew up in. I would venture to say all thru teenage years, that were filled with time spent in deep dark places, I identified myself as an atheist. Pretty sure I've been broken to pieces ever since that time period searching for any and everything to kill the pain. I have refused to think, look at, discuss, listen to anything to do with God for the most part. Then I "happened" upon your blog and all I want to do is read and consume what you have to say. I've been to the Mormon sites and have done extensive research in just this short time. Almost everything I read seems to make perfect sense to me. All the little lessons from your blog make so much sense to me. I wanted you to know, that even almost four years out, your beautiful little Angel Camille and her life is playing a part in mine all the way across the US in FL. I read about your other daughter Annie, and she reminds me so much of my six year old, Kaydence. You and all the members of your family are touching my life. God is moving in my life in ways I haven't experienced...ever. I'm trying to take things very slow in the start of this journey as to not take any steps back. I continually keep thinking I want you to pray for me and Kaydence so I thought I'd ask if you would. You are so beautiful in so many ways and a true inspiration, especially as a mother. As a mother myself, I realize, you are sure one to model after. I so long for Kaydence to have a mom that isn't checked out in day to day life, I just want to be present and happy...so I'll continue to search and keep my head up. Thank you for even all these years later, continuing to write about your amazing Camille to anyone in the world wanting to read it.

Summer

Stephanie said...

Summer,
Thank you for writing this comment. I have been and will continue praying for you and your daughter. Do not think it is coincidence that you have "happened" upon my blog. Do not deny that you have been and are being led.

The Savior can make you whole. Seek Him! Believe! Can you email me? My email is stephaniewaite@gmail.com. I would love to correspond with you personally.

Email me please.
Stephanie

Gina said...

I am another person that was touched by this blog post. I can't even explain it. My faith has been shattered. My response to "God can make anything whole again" has been "sometimes when something is shattered into a million tiny pieces it can never be whole or useful again". Its been a long time since I have felt anything but anger, grief, abandonment and confusion regarding anything to do with faith, prayer, God or church. I am so grateful that you chose to print the verse of that song for me to find. I fell/have felt that I am impossible to fix because I can't even find all the pieces. I printed off these words and have read them many times since you posted this. Again, thank you.

Anonymous said...

I love the joy on your's and Camille's face in that photo, Stephanie. It is one of my favourites.

Love to you,

Jane