Sunday, September 4, 2011

In Pieces

Once in a while, some everyday life event can stir up some deep seeded sorrow in my soul. And it is hard to settle things back down for a little while. This week as all the kids went back to school I was left with the two little boys at home.

I am sure, from the outside, this may seem like no big deal. But for me, this week has left me really missing Camille.

The last time I had only 2 little ones at home with me all day I was pregnant with Lauren. I remember looking into sending Sabrina to preschool the year before she started kindergarten. I looked into different programs and eventually decided not to send her. One of the main reasons was because she was so helpful. At that time it was Ann Marie (the 2 year old) that was hard to deal with. But when Sabrina was there, she and Annie would play and they would just leave me to focus on the baby.

This week I have been working to keep Noble occupied with something other than Harrison. I have trying to entertain him while Harrison is sleeping. I have been juggling nap times between them. It has left me missing the 4 year old that was supposed to be my big helper this year.

This was not the plan I laid out for my family. Life hacked that plan up. Now I have to make a new plan with the pieces. I am uncertain about how to place all the pieces and whether I should try to add to or remove pieces. I want to make the end result even more beautiful than my original plan. I want something better to come out of this. I want our family to be better for this experience in some tangible way.

But sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed as I sit amidst the pieces of the plan I had for my family, uncertain of how to fit things back together.

9 comments:

Princesses in waiting said...

Never a day goes but when I think this was not part of the plan, we should have a little boy with us right now but he is not here and I long to be able to call his name at the park. I've come to realise that sometimes our plans get a little thrown off course but if we make something good of when we are thrown off course then it has to be part of the plan in the long run. Not sure this makes sense but hope that it does to you on this day when you long to hold your angel in your arms. I love reading your blog and your words have guided me through some of the same feelings.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Stephanie.

Jane
xox

Alesha said...

This is one of the hardest things for me right now. Accepting a different plan than my own. I am such a planner and hate that things cant just work out to my plan. :) I'd like to think that there is a greater plan than mine, but it is hard when it seems all the pieces aren't fitting like I think. I cant wait to see what that bigger/greater plan is for my family. I am sure you feel the same.

Karol said...

I so completely understand. The start of a new school year brings very painful reminders. Missing my sweet Jalayne tonight and wondering what happened to my plan.

Lena Baron said...

I am in the same boat and it is HARD! I now have a 7 year old and a 3 year old. Instead of a set of twins in the middle. I home school and this huge gap is VERY noticeable now and I have struggled a lot with missing my girls this year. I couldn't put a finger on why until I read your post. Thanks for sharing. You're not alone. I wish that helped ease the pain some. I guess it does as much as it can, huh? Take care and I hope things ease up a bit.

RockStarMomlv said...

Stephanie, my heart just hurts for you. Every time I read a post, I just wonder in amazement at how you were able to get through this, how you and your family were able to get through this. Then I can see it truly is your faith. And, god bless all of you to have this in your life, and the grace in which you share these thoughts and feelings with all of us is just pure inspiration. I think it's ok to have these feelings...you seem so modest with them. I'm not sure I could hold myself together so well for this long. But, I think in the end, maybe you will find that your plan was changed just a bit in order to get to know your true inner strengths and to get to know your boys on a different level than you knew your girls. Just a thought...but personally, for me, having the twins and two older kids has been a blessing and a challenge all rolled into one. I want to cry and laugh at the same time! It is so hard, but I know it's these days that I will miss when they are all moved out and onto their own lives. It's so crazy how our paths unfold, you know? I am so grateful though, everyday. No matter what. You are amazing. You are loved. And so is your family. By more people than you may actually, physically know. :)

Anonymous said...

I am sorry it is so hard. Grief comes back, that's normal, especially when there are transitions and milestones. I read a good book that helped me handle my grief - it was the biography of Sully - the pilot who landed in the Hudson. Long story short, he said that in all his years studying aviation accidents, he saw that it was the pilots who tried for too long to save their doomed plane were the ones who bailed out too late and died. He said the reason he was able to land the plane safely in the Hudson was because he applied a technique he called "goal sacrificing" where once he realized he could not save the million-dollar plane, the people in it and innocent people below he was able to let go of the goal to save that plane and create another goal - saving hundreds of lives. It just made me think of how often I fixate on my original plan - to have my loved one alive and my family the way I expected it to be and I do that at the cost of my happiness - it is so hard to let go of that vision I had of the way it would be and i let that cause me terrible depression for many years. You seem to handle your grief so well - it took me years to renegotiate my life without my loved one, but I see that I have to make a new plan. I'm not trying to lecture you, just share something that helped me.

Apron Appeal said...

I'm tired of foiled plans.

Beverly @ The Buzz said...

Thank you for sharing this. It's been 5 years since my daughter died and I feel like I should be more together by now. The grief comes and goes and is sometimes worse than others. I also appreciate the anonymous comment above. It truly helps to read how others are coping.