Thursday, July 14, 2011

What I Am Missing

Sometimes my mind leaves the here and now and wanders to the dangerous land of Couldabeen. In this place I see all the things I am missing. Walking through children's clothing stores I see the adorable little girl clothes. My mind instantly misses the little baby girl I could have been dressing in those clothes. My other girls are all shopping in the big girl section now.

Milestones are particularly difficult. An inner voice whispers to my soul, she would have been 4 and saying those funny things and doing those adorable tricks. She would be starting Kindergarten next year. She would be Lauren's buddy.

I see kids her age. I watch them and feel sorrow that my little girl isn't able to learn and grow and experience all they are experiencing. I am sorry for her and for me not being able to experience these milestones of life with her.

I had such a moment the other day. But this time, in the quiet sorrow in my soul that followed the thought of pity at her missing out, there came a feeling. It was a feeling of thrilling joy and exhilaration, but not my own. It was her joy. I could sense it like you can feel the energy off of someone who is really excited about some thing. It was the same sense of joy I had from her the when she finally passed away. She was happy.

And the thought came to my mind,
"Oh, Mom, if only you could see
the things I am doing now..."

And with that my sorrow fled.
I realized I am not missing what she would have been.
If anything, I am missing all she has become.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have shivers reading this, Stephanie. You write so beautifully.

Jane
xox

Karol said...

I so completely understand wishing we could be doing things with our little girls. I too look longingly at the children's section. Awhile back I had a realization though, that in truth I am missing nothing. God never intended here on this earth at this time. He knew, before he formed her, just how many days she would have and that I would get to share those days with her. You can read a post I wrote on this topic.

http://lovinglaynee.blogspot.com/2010/09/missing-nothing.html

All that said, I do have to work to keep this in perspective. In my own human selfishness, I want her here. I want to be doing all the things most mothers do with their little girls. But you and I both know that what Laynee and Camille are experiencing is far better than anything here.

Praying for a peaceful day for you

Mindy said...

I love this.

Jana said...

Is stranger who follows your blog and appreciates your insight. This post brought tears to my eyes. Camille (an all of her brothers and sisters) are lucky to have a mother with such a testimony and eternal perspective. Thank you for sharing this.

chanel said...

wow, beautiful and amazing.

Adam,Emily, Paisley, and Hayden said...

thank you for sharing such a sacred moment, oh that moment must have been beautiful! such a tender mercy, hope that helps ease some of the pain you feel on a daily bases.

Cheryl said...

so beautiful...what a wonderful perspective to have. I wish all who have lost childen might feel this!

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Stephanie.

Emily @ RemarkableHome said...

Tears...and love for you. I am thankful you felt that. I have wondered if it is hard for you to be around Seth. I have sensed that it is. You are amazing.

Ashley said...

I think you may have written this just for me. I needed this perspective this week. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Love the end of this post, the thought that came to your mind. I have had the same come to me with my grandma passing away & my mom suffering so much. Mine came in a dream of grandma: she was young, glowing, so very happy & told me to tell my mom not to cry anymore. That she is happy up there, she can do all the things she could no longer do on earth (run, jump) & to stop the sorrow. She was happy & I woke up with that happiness, it was contagious. So I truly understand this post, thank you. You are an amazing woman.

Vicky T

Nygards said...

Thank you Stephanie. I also needed this post. It helps me somedays to know I am not the only person going through this.

Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful entry and I truly do admire you for your strength.

When you mentioned that Camille could've been Lauren's buddy, I started wondering how you're going to help Lauren fill that void. I can only imagine how hard it will be for her as she gets older to see Sabrina and Anne Marie paired up along with having Noble and Harrison have someone close in age to them as well.

What has it been like trying to fill that void for Lauren?

I admire you greatly for your strength and eloquence. xoxo

Tiffany said...

Steph...I LOVE that insight. Thanks for sharing. I bet your sweet Camille is building mountains there...IT"S gonna be just great...when we finally get to see all their hard work one day. It touched my heart to read your sweet words today. It was just what I needed. Thanks! Missing ya! Loves, Tif

Jenny M said...

If it's alright, I posted your post on my blog just now. Ah! You write so beautifully. Thanks so much for sharing this.

www.martinfam6.blogspot.com

Angie Larkin said...

That rung so true in my heart.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal gift. I think of you often, and miss you all. Can't wait to meet Harrison.
xoxo

cynphil6 said...

oops. That last comment was me. ( :
Cynthia