Monday, March 21, 2011

Spring ... a Season of Celebration

A cold wind blows across the valley as I waddle from house to house stuffing fliers into my neighbors doors. It is March. April is just 10 days away. I have to get word out about the annual Easter neighborhood block party today. I have to give my neighbors a few days to RSVP before I have my baby at the end of the week.

I am hoping all the walking will put me into labor now. I would love to have a baby today ... or tomorrow. The sooner the better as far as I am concerned. But all my walking only seems to make my pelvis hurt and I feel no contractions. Bummer. Oh well, at least I got the fliers delivered and the baby will come in four days ready or not.

The tulips I planted last fall are beginning to bloom in my back yard. Camille's flower, blooming to signal that her birthday is also coming up. We will celebrate it as a family a few days after the block party. Then a few days later we will celebrate Easter.

I miss my little girl. But the hole in my heart she left when she died is no longer the open wound it once was. It is a tender scar. A memory of my greatest pain. A reminder of why Easter is the most hopeful holiday, of why life is so precious, of how important it is that I be the best mother and the best Stephanie I can be.

And perhaps more than this, that scar is a reminder to me of the healing power of the atonement. I am moved to tears just thinking about the miracle of it all. How is it possible that such a wound could ever feel healed? I don't know. And yet somehow, the Savior has made me feel whole again. Whole despite the hole. That doesn't even make logical sense. And yet my heart feels that way. But then feelings don't always follow logic now do they.

And so as I sip my hot chocolate and warm my insides after my cold walk of the neighborhood, I am filled with love and gratitude for my blessings. For the blessing of the life that will imminently join our family. For the 14 months I was privileged to mother a celestial soul. For the friends, family, and neighbors who held me up through my greatest trial. And for the Savior who in His own time and His own miraculous way healed my heart.

Spring, in my book and in my heart, is a season for celebration.

11 comments:

Laura Jansson said...

Beautifully put! Good luck with the birth of your new son, & I hope you have a wonderful April celebrating Camille & our Savior! :)

Ashley said...

This post made me cry! It gives me so much hope. My relationship with the Savior has grown immensely I'm so grateful we have Him to turn to.

Chelsea said...

i second the other comments. this moved me so much [and made me cry] that i had to comment on how beautiful it was. i feel like our understanding of the atonement is so limited--i am continually amazed at how it increases our joy and amazingly enough can heal our very deepest pains.

good luck with the birth of Baby Who!!

Jan S said...

What an amazing post!! I, too, am crying so I think we're all in agreement the the Spirit was felt through your words!

Easter is my FAVORITE holiday--for the exact reasons mentioned in your post. In fact, in all my trials in my life- and there have been many- the Atonement is what has gotten me through each and every one. It's another reason why I love reading your blog...because we share that similar circumstance, though for different reasons.

I'm praying for your new little boy and that the birth goes smoothly. Enjoy every moment when they are so fresh from Heaven...and knowing that sweet Camille is with him just seconds before (and after!) he arrives in your arms!

P.S. And can I say how amazed I am that you were walking the neighborhood/organizing an event a couple of days before your due to give birth?! Wow!! I wish I had an ounce of your energy and organization! :)

Anonymous said...

your post is so beautiful. the atonement is something so precious. thank you for sharing you post.

cynphil6 said...

Beautifully said. Love you guys!
Good luck with the delivery!

Judy said...

Beautiful post - It is always amazing to look back on things & see our Heavenly Fathers plan ~ how wonderful to have your beautiful little Angels Birthday so close to such a special Holiday! Sometimes I don't think things like that are a coincidence! Thank you for sharing so much with us! Good luck with your delivery this weekend!

Olsens R Us said...

Such a tender post Stephanie. There is a song written by Nicholle Nordeman and sung by Kenneth Cope called "Seasons" that captures so much of this sentiment.

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, Autumn, winter.....
Spring

I also love Elder Wirthlins talk "Sunday will Come" May this general conference, Easter season and precious celebration of your baby boy be a balm for your soul.

Tinkerbell said...

Stephanie, I stumbled upon your blog a week ago, but haven't really commented yet. I love what you write. I have a friend who also lost her son at 10 months from leukemia. I recommended this blog because I think it would be something very worth while for her.

Although I can never fathom the great depth of the atonement, i have felt it's power in my life. The love the Savior has for us is beyond anything I can understand and yet I am so truly grateful for the blessings that we can partake of if we use it in our life.

I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. Thank you for sharing your sweet and moving messages.

Congrats on your newest addition, btw! :)

The Lucksters said...

Thank You for this post. You are amazing to me. You inspire me so much. Good luck with the new little one. I cant wait to hear about him.
Kellie J

Anonymous said...

xoxox

Jane