Monday, February 7, 2011

Anxious and yet...

I have 45 days left in this pregnancy. It has been and continues to be a difficult pregnancy. I am sick of my own complaining. :) I am rather anxious to be done. I have been anxious for it to over almost since the beginning. And yet as I come to the last weeks of this pregnancy I find another emotion invading my heart.

With every other pregnancy I have known I would have another child. This time, well, I just don't know that. I don't know that this will be our last child, but I also don't know that it won't. And so as I near the end of this pregnancy I find myself feeling a bit like a kid anxious for what may be her last Christmas, at least for a very long time.

To me, the labor and delivery experience is so miraculous and wonderful and magical. It is like Christmas. There is the wonder and excitement of meeting your child face to face. It is like opening the most incredibly beautiful, wonderful, magical present ever.

And so I feel a bit nostalgic about nearing the end of this pregnancy. There are so many reasons I will be glad to move on from this child bearing stage of my life. And yet, I recognize and appreciate what a wonder filled and amazing time of life this is. It is miraculous. I want to savor the last kicks in my belly (though they do often hurt now) and I want to capture forever the birthing of my babies.

I told Jon about how I was feeling last night. I told him I may be more weepy than normal with this birth just because part of me will be sad to think it may be the last time I birth a child. Then this morning as I was bringing in the groceries something shifted and my hips just started hurting like mad. Maybe part of the reason each pregnancy seems harder than the last is so that by the end it is easier to move on from this magical and yet painful stage of life.

10 comments:

nicole said...

Beautifully put!
You are an amazing woman!

Anonymous said...

Your new son is fortunate to have you for a mother, Stephanie.





Do you hear news of Emily Jones?

Dean and Sheri said...

When I was about as far along as you are now with my 5th pregancy and 6th child, I had the same feelings. Then, one day as I was folding laundry (actually sorting socks) a silly thought popped into my head that went like this "When this baby comes there will be 80 toes in this house! EIGHTY toes! That's a lot of toes." I don't know why, but for some reason that was when I came to the realization that he would be our last child. Yeah. True story. And boy oh boy what a wonderful child to end with. He's 17 now. When he was little he would, on occasion, ask for a little brother. I would alway tell him, "Ryan, there always has to be a last and you're it. You are my sweet cherry-on-top." Odd that I'd go on so. Sorry. Wishing you all the best til your little one arrives.

Robin said...

It's kind of like raising teenagers. God gave us teenagers so when it's time for them to leave we aren't so sad. You said it perfectly "magical yet painful stage of life".

Joyce Kay said...

I too had/have the same feelings as you are having at the end of your pregnancy. I had my 3rd baby in October 2010. I love being pregnant and the whole labor getting to meet the little one for the first time. It is just a miracle from God. I was sad to think that it would be the last time I would feel a baby growing inside of me, the labor pains and meeting that precious baby.
I'm still sad, but I look into my precious Ripken's eyes each day and thank God for giving me a baby. I also thank my husband because he had said after our 2nd baby NO MORE! He finally caved in....and look we got another precious baby boy. I will be praying for you and your family.

Here at home said...

Just had #5 boy in Dec. and feeling the same way. The whole labor and delivery was amazing and so fun to finally meet Dallin. When we got pregnant with him, I planned on this being the last. Now I'm not so sure. My husband thinks we need another one. I am going through a lot of emotions, wanting to enjoy every bit of Dallin's baby months, wondering if mentally I can handle another one, but at the same time, the thought of this being the last, not having another tiny baby in the house, it's hard! We are doing some serious praying. I just hope I will be ready for the answer.

Here at home said...

And, btw, thank you for posting this. I read your blog, just don't comment much. This one really hit me, though.
You are an amazing example. I hope I am half as good a mother as you are.

Cheryl said...

this is beautifully put! My 5th baby born last April is our last. I do not miss pregnancy as mine are high risk and difficult and scary...but I am mourning the passing of each month. His babyhood is slipping away far too fast for my liking! I dont know what I will do without a sweet baby around! I guess I will just have to steal other peoples babies to love on!

Jer n' Stef said...

Hang in there! You're doing great. I know everything aches but the prize is always well worth it, isn't it? I have 22 days left myself with #7 and I know my body isn't handling it as easily as it used to either. Eyes on the prize. A beautiful healthy baby and your body back. Woo hoo! You're almost there!

Lee said...

I don't miss those hurting hips for a second! I can't imagine being pregnant while lugging someone Noble's size. Hang in there.