There were some really good questions from the last post. I will try to get to them all as best I can in time but today's post is going to address the last question I read. Here it is:
How do you keep from feeling panicked that something might happen to one of your other children? Do you find yourself wanting to wrap them with bubble wrap or watching them every single instant? I find that I am so worried about something happening to one of my children, I don't really totally enjoy the "now."
The reason I choose this question for my post today is because I just was thinking about this as we were getting the kids off to school this morning. Then I checked my email after they left and found this comment with this question.
I am not naturally a worrier. I kinda feel like things happen for a reason and I trust that if I am doing my best, Heavenly Father will make up for what I am lacking. That has been the case for me in the past in more ways than I can number. That theory applies to everything from event planning to caring for my children.
Now since Camille's accident ... I worry more. But not because I think I can keep my child safe from every harm. But because I know I cannot. There are too many ways a child can be hurt that we would never anticipate. We still try to keep them as safe as we can given the knowledge we have, but hurt is a part of living. Our children are going to get hurt one way or another. That is the nature of the world in which we live. I guess I worry more now because my heart has been so wounded. KNOWING the hurt makes you never want to feel it again.
Mostly I worry about Noble. He is at a very dangerous age and stage. This morning I was watching him crawl around the floor looking for anything to put in his mouth. I thought about how I have to hold myself back from just forcing him to let me hold him all day long. He likes to explore. He doesn't like to be confined to a high chair or exersaucer. So lately I have been following him around every waking hour.
Except for when I can't. There are times I have to actually do something other than just sit and watch him. There are times I am doing something else while watching him and I get distracted. I am human. And so I am praying every day for his safety and for the health and safety of all my children. I am doing my best and praying that God will make up for me in my human weaknesses.
I still do trust God. I feel strongly like it was Camille's time to go and that if it hadn't been drowning in the spa that day, she would have died some other way within the same time frame. I know I was doing all I knew at the time to keep her safe. I know that it is pretty "miraculous" that she was able to escape our house and make it to the spa undetected.
And the worst happened. And it hurt unimaginably. It still hurts. But I am okay. At the end of the day God is still my God and He is supporting me from day to day. In the end she will be mine to raise if I live worthy. In the end we will all be together and we will have joy. So God has not failed me. I still trust Him.
Still I am hyper aware of where Noble is at all times now. I guess that is what hit me this morning. I was just noticing how hyper aware I am of him and how I have to force the worry inside me to take a back seat. Then I took a deep breath and remembered who is really in control. And I didn't worry anymore.