Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Waiting for the big one?

This weekend we went to Utah and we got to spend some sweet time with my dear friend Kami. We were roommates freshman year of college. She got married her second year and we lost touch for years. When I got pregnant with Camille and we were considering the name Camille, I thought about Kami. I knew we would call our child "Cami" if we choose Camille as our name. I knew I would think of Kami since she was the only Cami or Kami I had ever known. I had great association with the name because of her. Still I hadn't talked to her in about 13 years. I wondered what had become of her. 

So I set to finding out. I called another of our roommates and between us we figured out where her parents lived. I called around till I found her parents and then got Kami's number. I called her up and reconnected. I told her of the baby I was having and how I was considering naming her Camille or Cami. I told her I had called to see if her life was in order so I wouldn't be naming my baby after someone who would be a poor model. To my great pleasure, she was still as wonderful as the year we lived together. And we choose the name Camille with confidence. 

I loved spending time around Kami. I love being able to say her name. That may sound weird but sometimes I just want to say the name Cami. I call out Annie and Saby and Lauren and Noble all the time. I don't get to say Cami very often. I miss the sound of her name on my lips. And people can get uncomfortable or worry about you if you are talking about your dead child to them all the time. So it was nice to spend a weekend with our family referring to Kami and going to Kami's house without all the heavy emotion we usually associate with the name. She is one of the few adults I let my children call by first name. 

One night while we were talking, Kami noted how in life she felt her trials had been relatively minor (like a 2 on a scale of 1-10). She expressed a fear or thought that I used to have all the time. The wondering what big trial was coming to you. It seems everyone has their big trial in life. No one escapes without feeling the heat of the refiners fire. And she wondered if I no longer feel that expectation or wonder. Did I feel like I now knew what my big trial was and that nothing harder would come to me. 

I wish I could say I did feel that way. But I am too young and too aware now to think that I am safe from big trials. I hope none will be as hard as this trial of losing a child. But I am painfully aware from my association with other angel mothers that experiencing this doesn't get you some pass to get out of future BIG trials. I thought that tonight as I read THIS most recent update on Sheye's blog about her pregnancy. I wish you could really send a hug through cyberspace.

I am praying for her tonight. I am hoping to have the strength to endure whatever lies ahead. And I am enjoying the blessings I have today knowing life gives us no guarantees. 

8 comments:

The Holland Family said...

I always say that we are never exempt from trials. I know those who have had far worse than me. I'll keep my own "stuff". I'm so sorry for Sheye.

Recently in our community we had a Deputy who was murdered in the line of duty. Someone in our ward made the point... Would you rather have your son be the murdered or the murderer? Tough question but yet the murdered is so much better off. I had a man once say to me whose daughter had completely gone astray..."I'm sorry you lost your daughter but at least you know she is saved and safe, I don't even know where mine is". I feel very blessed to know this truth.

Anyway sorry to go on and on. Someday I'd love to meet you too.

Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^

Anonymous said...

i honestly believe that our father in heaven never gives us more than we can handle. "he knows all"... its how we handle our trials, you stephanie have done a wonderful job. you have grown, you have shown your children how to stand strong. just maybe this trial you have suffered will be an example of strength for a surviving daughter or son. maybe this will keep them from wondering away. all things happen for a reason.

although walking through the pain and the sorrow can be crippling at times, you have reached for our father in heaven for strength and you are stronger than ever.

your an example to many.

m&msmommy said...

I've followed your story for some time now, and I am in awe of your strength and courage. I have not been through any trial even close to what you've been through, and I always think, "When is IT coming?" (that big trial that shakes you to core, you aren't sure if you can go on, etc.) I can't even begin to imagine the loss of a child. I am one of those nieve people who think that someone who goes through THAT trial should be exempt from any other trials of that nature, and then time and time again I hear stories like Sheye's that just make me heartbroken. Just another reminder of how blessed I am, and to not taking any of my life, especially my children, for granted.

Thank you for this.

Love and prayers,
Christina Gomez

Sammy said...

I was talking to my mom just the other night on this subject. We are seeing my husband's parents go through some hard trials right now with some of their other children. I talked to my mom about she and my dad's trials and speculated on my own. She said to me we need to quit looking at what our big "trial" will be but more what will my big push towards progression be. I loved that thought and comment. Every trial we pass through is to teach us and most importantly help us progress on our journey to becoming more Christlike so now in our house we choose to call them our pushes towards progression. Doesn't make them less of a trial but it doesn't look as if we are awaiting a "trial". I hope that makes sense.
Just a thought I wanted to share.

All American Family said...

Nice post...I'm so sorry it's come at such a great expense for Sheye though. Appreciate Sammy's comment too. I like the idea of thinking about what our "push to progression" vs thinking about our trials. Thank you Sammy for passing that on.

Rach said...

Steph,

I don't feel exempt at all. In fact, my naivete has been removed. I KNOW bad things can happen to me and have found I am far more anxious about it now than I ever was before we lost Hannah.

That said, I read Sheye's post the other day and almost emailed you. My heart simply shattered for her and Crayton. :o(

Stef said...

Oh, I know how that goes. It's never safe to get comfortable because when you do, you can expect that something big is going to happen.

Emily said...

I know what you mean about the name thing... It's almost like a burden lifted... A punnishment or sentence- saying this name must bring sadness and greif into this household- is suddenly lifted and you can once again rejoyce in the happiness and fun and love in the name and the person associated with it. A burden made light.