Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A Dark Cloud with a Silver Lining

I have written about a hundred whiney blog posts in my head these past few weeks. They all revolve around how much I hate being sick. (Who came up with the idea that women should have nausea when pregnant. That person and I need to have a talk.)

I have refrained from writing these posts down since nobody want to a pregnant lady whine about feeling sick. Especially when it is such a blessing to be pregnant in the first place. I recognize this. This pregnancy came only after 7 months of trying and an early miscarriage the previous month. Still this being sick part has been ... especially trying this go round.

In an effort to preserve my own personal history, I want to record how I have felt. So I apologize in advance and give a warning that this will likely sound whiney. 

All my previous pregnancies, my nausea has been a sign to me of a healthy pregnancy. I have never miscarried when I have been nauseous. So it has been reassuring despite the discomfort. 

So it took me by surprise this time when the nausea this time elicited a rather different reaction in my psyche. As soon as the nausea came on I began to feel this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear and anxiety. Instead of signaling healthy pregnancy, it signaled Camille's accident. I felt nausea after her accident for weeks -- months really because I got pregnant with Noble and then it just stayed. 

I guess I didn't notice it last time because I was still so fresh in my grief that it all just ran together. But with this pregnancy, well, I have come so far in my healing that it was harsh to be thrust back into that fresh grief feeling. 

I have had trouble sleeping as the anxiety turns to adrenaline and my thoughts stray at night to that dark day. I have spent hours awake in the night, exhausted, but unable to sleep, haunted by my pain and grief.  It has been by far my most challenging first trimester ever. It has made me question how I thought I could do this again. And it has made me, for the first time, consider that this may be our last child.

The emotions have mellowed as I have endured week after week of this. I started taking Unisom to help with the sleep issue. That has helped immensely. I have been indulging any food craving I can to combat the nausea. Sometimes that works. Sometimes I just feel worse after. The thought that I have another 4-8 weeks of this is ... well hard. Is there anyway to just skip or sleep through September?

I will be 10 weeks in 2 days. I usually get better between 16-18 weeks. I was feeling really super low about this all about a week or two ago. Then I read THIS post by my fellow Angel Mom Sheye and I felt like a wimp. You should read it. It is the silver lining after this dark cloud of a post. She is my new hero. If she can do what she has done the past 3 years with grief loaded on her back, I can certainly make it another month or two, Right? RIGHT.


Lena Baron said...

Stephanie, I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I had an emergancy c- section when I delivered my angel babies. I was surprised recently after having another c-section how strong the memories and emotions came back from the experience with my girls even after 4 years. It is no fun at all! I wanted to give you a suggestion, that will help you with you nausea. I have severe nausea when I am pregnant. The medication Zofran has been a miracle for me. Truly, amazing! If you're willing to take medication, request this!!!!! I have taken it with three pregnancies and all has been well. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless!

Anonymous said...

staphanie, so sorry to hear you having a hard go at it. vomiting has never been one of my favorite things. yuck. with my duaughter i had it everyday at 9 am and you know what, when i saw a woman with hairy legs i hurled, lol, im not sure what that was all about, my son if i heard someone clear their throats i lost it and certain smells did to me as well. so glad that part of life has passed me. being with child is such a blessing in so many ways. only us as women can truly know what that experience is all about. i feel blessed....

sleep is so important for you, i know ive had issues in the past with it as well, i have used melentonin (spelling) its natural and no side effects, ive even given it to my children when they have had relestless nights.

i know that experiencing trauma in your life causes many issues. like your friend stated i believe as well that adrenalin has alot to do with it. its your bodies defense to keep you safe.

my child was abused a few years ago and i still experience crying and anxieties over it. i lost many friends in the process of disclosure. so i felt abandoned and alone... fighting to help my child recover and standing without anyone to hold onto. i know now looking back that it wasnt myself walking through that storm, it was my heavenly father carrying me and my child. im so grateful. i think that through the process i was suppose to learn that it was he i needed to depend on and not others. i learned it well.

congrats stephanie.. im sure that the next few weeks will go by quickly. noble im sure will keep you on your toes... :)

Allison said...

I read Sheye's blog as well and that post was amazing - life changing even. I can't imagine all of that trying after the loss of a child.

Congrats to you, and here's to hoping the nausea doesn't last quite as long this time around. I've also been trying to get pregnant for about 7 months so I hope a pregnancy is on its way for me soon too!

karen uk said...

I love the internet. What did women in the old days (like the 1990's) do when raising their children without this wide circle of experience and perspective?

baby crib said...

That is a well written article. I read the whole article and I find it very interesting. It is so much fun to read and I really enjoy reading it. Thank you for sharing it.

Anonymous said...

I'm just a blog reader but staying anonymous for this because I'm not "out" about my pregnancy yet and don't want to be recognized on the chance friends read here too!

I'm about 7.5wks with my second baby and I've been horribly sick. I was sick with my first also but it just seems so much harder this time around. I think one of the worst things about morning sickness is that women aren't allowed to talk about it - we are just supposed to be grateful and remember that we chose to put ourselves in this situation. For me that is such a challenge because when I feel awful I always want some sympathy!

Like you though I had an early miscarriage the month before we conceived this baby and that has really put it in perspective for me. I am trying to remember how blessed I am to be growing this tiny life and I try to think about all the women out there who would LOVE to experience this kind of sickness right now. Sometimes even that doesn't help when I'm in the midst of it though, so I wanted to thank you for posting Sheye's link. What a powerful reminder of how blessed we are to be able to carry life, no matter how physically miserable it can make us at times!

Tracey said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm so sorry about your nausea and the feelings that are coming with that too :( I had "all day" sickness with my 5 pregnancies. I had a midwife who helped me by recommending eating more protein (100 grams a day) it helped, but didn't take the it all away. Finally with my 5th I decided to do acupuncture. I went every week starting at 6 weeks through 14 weeks. For me it was a miracle. Right after treatment I was SO HUNGRY and went straight to Panera and ate a whole sandwich and soup. Then slowly I'd feel sick again, but each week the number of days I'd feel better after treatment would increase. If you decide to try it, find someone who has been trained in traditional Chinese acupuncture. Without acupuncture, I never had any good days until somewhere between 16-24 weeks. The "morning" sickness also seemed to go away sooner than the other pregnancies as well.

Hope you are feeling well soon so you can enjoy your family and pregnancy fully! :)