Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Out of Order

Noble is officially older than Camille. I am not sure how I feel about that. I am still sorting through my feelings as he grows older than his big sister. I spent the weekend plus a few days down in California for a baby blessing. We had lots of cousin time.

We spent a couple of hours at the beach with all the cousins. The waves were enormous. It was too scary for me and we left early. I have surfed a few waves of grief these last few days. They are but echos of the waves that used to pummel me when my grief was more fresh.

I hope to find a new sense of order soon as I sort through my feelings and re adjust to the way I think of my  family. I have wondered how I will feel as I pass these marker of time. I am too in the thick of it right now to discern how I feel. Joy and anxiety and excitement and longing and loss are all swirling around in my soul. In the meantime I am trying to keep my eyes facing forward and heart close to all my little chickens.

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I will be watching So You Think You Can Dance tonight at 8:30 at my house. Come watch with me. It is always more fun with friends.

7 comments:

Rach said...

I'm absolutely DREADING the day Lil turns five. And then, even more, the day she turns six.

My niece just turned five and everything feels so *wrong* somehow.

I understand.

HUGS

Gwen said...

I understand too. When my Manda turned 9 months and 23 days..... she was officially "older" than Ambure. I kept looking at her, and trying to fit it all together - was THIS how big/old my Ambure was???? Strange feelings.
Now 30 years later, there is still a hole, but not the heartache, thank goodness.

btw, how did you like Wong and Twitch last week?? Awesome, huh?

Stephanie said...

Alex and Twitch were -- if I may use a Lil C expression -- BUCK! I mean it was incredible and so clever. I loved the end when Twitch did the little turn and ballet pose.

I think Alex might just be my favorite this season. He is INCREDIBLE!!!

Sue said...

Alex is injured. =(

Hugs to you as you navigate this new phenomenon of having Noble be older than Camille. It must feel very odd.

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Anonymous said...

Hugs for you my friend.

Love,

Jane

Anonymous said...

stephanie, i know that this transition must be very difficult. im sure that you will always feel grief from your loss. each day will be a step towards healing. it takes time... know that your little angel will be there with you for eternity, im sure she loves you very very much. lean on your heavenly father during these times of deep suffering he will help guide you through it.
hugs

Anonymous said...

Your courage inspires.



P.S. The word verification is "prayen" ;-)