Thursday, March 18, 2010

Grieving Husband

To the Anon with the Grieving Husband: 

I know it is not easy to be there for our loved ones when they are hurting. It is hard for the husband watching the wife go through labor. It is hard for the mother seeing her child sick and in pain. It is difficult for a spouse watching their spouse grieve the loss of one of their family members. 

I have been on both ends of this dilemma. Neither is an easy place to be. But I think being the griever, you generally know what it is like to be the one who doesn't understand grief. I mean most of us at one point in our life didn't understand what it was like to lose someone close to you. There are those, like my children who learn this at a young age. But most of us remember what it was like to not understand.

So for me it is easier to give a broad allowance to friends and family who don't were not present for me at those painful times. I think I have just felt more grateful to have people who do get it then upset that some don't. Does that make sense? I don't expect ANYONE to get it so I don't have hard feelings about friends who didn't call or whatever. 

So I doubt your husband would think you are selfish. I don't think you are selfish. And yes someday this dilemma will go away. Someday you will understand your husband's grief. It is a fact of life that people die. Someday it is likely that someone you are close to will die before you do. And then you will better be able to mourn with him and not be scared by his grief. Till then perhaps you can write him a letter to tell him how you feel and how much you love him and how you wish you could be there for him more.

I can tell you that grief is one of those pains you have to "push through" just like labor. If you can find the courage and strength to sit with your husband and hold him while he cries and let him talk to you about his feelings I think you would find a new level of love in your marriage. I am sure if you pray for the strength and understanding to do this the Lord will help you "push through" your own pain so you can be there for him. You don't have to do the talking. It is okay if you cry with him. Just be there for him as much as you can.

Hope this helps and I hope you find the inner strength to push through and give birth to a new level of closeness in your marriage. 


Amber26 said...

Hi, you don't know me I came across your blog a few weeks ago and have been following your journey daily. I came across this amazing quote and wanted to share it with you, or any of your readers who are also grieving, or going through hard times in life. May this bring comfort to all those who read this. Much love from clear across the world!

“And to all who suffer – to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely – I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart. President Uchtdorf

Amber26 said...

May I please ask if you wouldn't mind putting this news on your blog too! I know you have many readers on this blog, and well this family is in desperate need of prayers!

Such a sad story! for some people I have been corresponding with and have lost their nephew to a sudden and tragic death. I don't even know this young man but my heart is crying for this family! Connor Donohue was an amazing young man in his early 20's. He had just moved to a new apartment complex in Manhattan on the 24th floor. While enjoying the enormous view of his new balcony, the railing gave way and he fell to his untimely death... I read his death notice today and he was a beautiful and generous person who devoted much of his time to community service and helping the underprivileged. It shocks you to the core to hear of this kind of death. Yet, there is a lesson in it for us all. Each day is a gift and we have to live it like it is our last. Please pray for Connor's family and friends. Please pray for the children he worked with that they know and trust that "God has this" and find peace in knowing that they were blessed to have their lives touched by such a beautiful person!

Anonymous said...

It is I who you have responded too. And what a simple (yet genious!) idea you have given me-a letter! I find comfort in writting words and it's something I feel will lift the burden and guilt I feel so heavily. Although my husband has never complained that I don't provide enough support I just feel so lacking. I who normally can make you feel you are the special person you are. I see that there is light at the end of the tunnel simply because I fixed it with a letter of devotion. You couldn't possible know what you have done for a small family.