Monday, January 18, 2010

True Hope

Saturday I took Ann Marie, Lauren and cousin Stella for a "birthday outing." We went to a salon to get Annie's hair done all fancy (photos to come). Then we went to the mall to get an outfit for her at Gymboree and lunch at Ruby's diner. All in all it was a fun outing with the little girls. 


But one part of the outing has left its mark on me. We walked into Gymboree and my eyes lit upon the most beautiful, dear little dress. It was royal blue and white. The whole collection was blue and white and each piece was just precious. I wanted to buy them ALL. I wanted to buy them for my little bright blue eyed girl. They just screamed Camille. 


You know how you can see a dress and it just looks so "insert the name of your best friend or mother here." Well these just looked so Camille. And here I have a little boy with her eyes but I don't think Jon would appreciate him being put in a dress. I put the dress up to Annie to see if maybe I could get it for one of the other girls but ... it just wasn't right on her. I knew it wouldn't be right on any of the other girls. No, it was a Camille dress.


So I purchased items for Annie in her favorite color green. And I got some essentials for Noble. Then I left the store and finished our outing. On the drive home from California that night with all my family asleep in the car I let the emotions come. 


I even thought about going ahead and buying the dress in a size 2 and putting it in my "hope" chest. Right now it is filled with Camille's things. I thought perhaps I could put it in there as a true "hope" piece. I can hope the second coming happens in my life time right? I can hope that this little dress will survive all the destruction that proceeds it. But then do I really want to get hopes up for something that very well may not happen in my life? 


The practical side of me won out. It is just a thing. I am sure there will be beautiful clothes in the millennium for me to put on my sweet blue eyed girl. I'll be fine. 


So I pulled myself together, there in the darkness of the desert. And the lump in my throat subsided. I wiped the tears from my face and marveled at how much less deep the pain is for me now than it was for me a year and a half ago, or even a year ago. It took a while of letting my feelings come to the surface before the tears came. And when they came they were few. Then I felt a little guilty. It is a natural thing -- this guilt over healing -- not logical but natural.


And then, there in the car in the darkness of the night, I felt a wave of joy rush over me. It was not my joy. It was hers. It was her joy that my pain is subsiding. It was her joy in being where she is. And it swept away the guilt and made me happy. And I felt as if all was right in the universe. Our family felt whole with me and Jon and our four charges in the car and our angel girl keeping us connected to the eternal joy that awaits us with true Hope. 

20 comments:

Here at home said...

Beautiful!

Beverly @ The Buzz said...

Stephanie, what a beautiful post. I am so grateful I found your blog. You'll never know how much you've helped me in the past couple of months. Your honesty about your feelings is wonderful. If you get a minute, maybe you can read the post I recently wrote. It's because of you that I'm able to open up more. Thanks you.
http://thebeverlybuzz.blogspot.com/2010/01/progress.html

She Made Mention said...

Oh Stephanie, I know that exact feeling-- and I can even recall the process that you went through in your mind. I'm going through this process multiple times a day, letting feelings come to the surface... If we allow them to-- this can be VERY healing. It can be painful AND it does feel odd sometimes that we are TRYING TO HEAL, but don't feel too guilty--- because I don't believe that WE will EVER heal completely until we have them in our arms once again. Healing is naturally a very long process, thankfully. Camille is likely helping you every step of the way through this healing process- she wants you to find the beauty of the life that you are given, and seeing that dress is a great reminder that she is and always will be a part of you. You are amazing and I love to read your words. I love that there are others out there, of which I can find a connection. Thank you!

nina said...

beautiful perspective.

Susy said...

Lovely....

Amanda said...

A very beautiful and touching story, Stephanine. Thank you so much for sharing, it brought tears to my eyes.

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

Beautiful thoughts... thank you for sharing them. My first thought as I read this was...I would have bought the dress...so it was a learning post for me. You make it all make sense, to really mean something for your reader too. Bless your family and your little angel~

Evanstown said...

Stephanie,

This was such a beautiful post. I get so much hope from reading your blog. I lost my beautiful son 5 months ago. I find myself "trying" to keep the pain hidden because it it to much to bear at times. You give me so much hope, hopefully my pain will be less in one year from now. You are a great example.

Thanks for being so honest with a open blog.


Much love,

Cecilia

Lizzy said...

beautiful.....

Jonelle Hughes said...

Beautiful. I know many others have said it, but the word fits.

Sue said...

I love this post. It just feels right.

=)

Rach said...

Yes. Once again you have very eloquently put into words those feelings of guilt/healing and hope.

Thank you.

shanan said...

Great post, Steph.

Heather Adams said...

Stephanie-

Not sure if I've ever commented here before but I really needed to today. This post very well captured what I'm experiencing often having lost my daughter Mara 15 months ago to cancer. I've since had my 5th child (just like you) and am healing slowly. Thank you so very much for this! I feel like you're a lifetime friend even though we're hardly acquaintences. Keep writing for it is healing me!
Much love,
Heather Adams
www.maraadams.com

i said...

beautiful story. i love your perspective!

Denise said...

Thank you for sharing.

merideth said...

wow so many have said that this was beautiful... it is the same word that i was thinking. the tears are flowing... so glad that you get that wave of joy.

Ali said...

Tears came to my eyes as I read this post. You expressed your feelings beautifully and I can't imagine losing one of my precious babies - but hope I can have your strength to overcome any tragedy. I am also so touched that you felt Camille has joy in seeing your pain subsiding or lessening. I share your testimony that eternal joy awaits and I can't wait for you to get your baby back in your arms.

Mother 25 - 8 said...

Hi Stephanie,
I just want to make SURE everything is RIGHT! I put on auction a black/white/and pink blanket. After the auction was over, I heard nothing. I'd check my email, blog, everything, but nothing stating the winner had paid. I thought she must have needed to withdraw. Then today I got an email asking me to send it to the winners address. I just want to make sure it's all legit! Thanks!

Stephanie said...

Erika,
Yes that was me that emailed you. I emailed a copy of the email I had sent back in December. Bonnie Peterson is the winner and she paid. Thanks for double checking.

Stephanie