Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A New "Schedule"

Everyone is back to school these days. Sabrina started the 3rd grade and is learning cursive already. She has a very nice brand new teacher fresh out of school herself. It should be a fun learning year for all of them.

Sabrina is involved in so much this year. She has voice lessons and sewing lessons and piano lessons and activities for church. She is learning to juggle a very full schedule. Luckily she gets lots of sleep and is not burdened by lots of homework so she can fit in her extracurricular activities.

Ann Marie started the first grade. She is adjusting to the full day schedule. She misses the "activities" of kindergarten and is waiting for first grade to get interesting. I hope she will feel challenged enough this year to keep her attention and help her feel like she is learning. Her teacher is experienced and feels confident in her ability to challenge Annie. I hope so.

Ann Marie has begun to develop an acute sense of empathy. Lately when I am feeling tired and worn she will come massage my back or get me water. She can be the most helpful and giving person. I love that she is learning these qualities.
Lauren started preschool this week. She loves it so far. She is so excited to come home and show me everything in her bag. I love 4 year olds. She is turning into a little person right before my eyes and I want to just capture all of her in a bottle and store it up to sip on latter when she is big and has too much attitude.

Today I was teasing her about how she never misses me when she is gone to preschool because she has so much fun and how I sit home and cry the whole time she is gone because I miss her so much. Her response was beyond her years. "Mama, you don't have to miss me. You can feel me in your heart and then you know I am there." How wise I thought. Then after a pause she added, "Like I can feel Camille in my heart and then I don't have to miss her." Yes. Exactly. Thank you for the lesson little teacher of mine.

Even Noble has been doing a bit of schooling. He and Dado have been working on their skills. He is getting rather proficient now at the standing on the hand trick. If only we could get the sleeping thing down. We have been sleeping him in the swing thus far as this seemed to be where he would sleep longest. But lately even that has not been doing the trick. Tonight we are trying out the crib again. He went down easily in it, which surprised me. I guess we will see how he does tonight.

After a good 2 hour nap today I felt like a new woman. It is amazing how sleep, or lack thereof, can affect you. Now I wish I were asleep but am too wired with thoughts running through my head. I wish my brain could be like this desktop where I could clean off the surface and go into sleep mode. I guess that is why I am up writing-trying to put my thoughts to bed.

Only tonight my thoughts are not so much about my kids. Tonight my thoughts are more about how sometimes I feel so alone even when people are near me. Tonight my thoughts are about how sometimes I miss the carefree life I had as a young married woman without the heavy responsibility of motherhood on my shoulders. It is an honor to be a mother but sometimes the responsibility feels ... daunting ... especially when you are working on a few hours sleep per night over several days... weeks... months.

And tonight there is part of me that want to go back further and get in my car and drive home to my mama's house and crawl into her bed to snuggle up to her and spend a night not worrying about when the baby will wake up or what I need to help the kids do to get ready in the morning or how tired I am going to be if I can't get myself to sleep in the next 10 minutes. My mother makes me feel and ... safe ... and not alone ... and ultimately loved. I miss her. In the business of the "schedule" I miss her.

And I wish I could go over and at least spend an hour by her side with my head rested on her shoulder. But alas, here it is I who is the mother and must have the shoulder broad enough to rest the weary heads of the little ladies and shoulder the burping of the bubbly boy who may wake at any given minute. So I guess I better head off to bed and snuggle up to husband and partner in all this shouldering. I am grateful for his broad shoulders. They ease my load considerably. I hope this post has cleared off enough of my thoughts to let my mind rest so I can sleep. Wish me luck! Goodnight.


Angie said...

I hope you got some sleep! In that picture of Noble with his dad he looks a lot like Camille to me! Do you think he does?

Allie said...

I am not sure I have ever posted on your blog before-after reading for so long-but I guess I could post with one word "Amen". Those same thoughts of how I feel alone at times when I am anything but, and the daunting feelings of motherhood, have crossed my mind many times. If only I could teach my kids to REALLY enjoy being young and carefree. So thank you-your thoughts echo mine and it's good to know that alas, we are not alone in this world!

Julie said...

I have felt that way too lately. With the start of a new school year and all the paperwork and scheduling that goes into that I have felt the responsibilty of motherhood more. I am exhausted at night yet know there is so much more that needs to be done to keep the house running. Noble reminds me of Camille in that picture. Sweet.

bows and more said...

I so know those same thoughts and feelings about motherhood! It would be so nice to go back to the dream life of being a child in your mothers arms! What a blessing to have mothers and to be a mother!

Burt Family said...

I don't think I've left a comment, but have followed your blog since almost the time it began. This post really hit home. I have many days, nights, weeks and months that I feel so inadequate as a mother and wish I could just walk away from it for a while. However, we know it can't really be. I too have a little boy, he is 2 1/2 mos. old. Luckily he is a good sleeper but real fussy when awake so I have many hours of trying to bounce a baby on one knee while doing all the motherly duties with the other one.
Keep your chin up and enjoy the moment is what I keep telling myself because all to quickly he will be grown up and you will wonder where the time went.

Brittany said...

I completely understand the lack of sleep thing. My 22 month old is worse at sleeping now then when she was a add on insomnia and I definitely think I will go crazy some days...and I only have one child. I hope you can get some sleep soon. You sound like a really good mom.

Dutch John Guymon said...

Dearest Stephanie,

Thank you so much for this incredible blog that you faithfully update. I am one of those strangers that you don't know but have been touched and influenced just the same. I have been feeling the same weariness of being a Mom and have been amazed at just how many other Moms are feeling the same way. I was reading a book written by Ardeth Kapp called "What Latter-day Stripling Warriors Learn from Their Mothers" I have been amazed at the lessons taught here. One thing that I read is actually a quote by President Ezra Taft Benson concerning this generation. He says "God has saved for the final inning some of His stronger and most valiant children, who will help bear off the kingdom triumphantly. You are the generation that must be prepared to meet your God." First of all as I read that I felt an even greater feeling of doom, how incredible is it to be the Moms in charge of teaching our children. And then I thought, it just may be possible that this is the reason that we have such restless children and ones that constantly keep us on our toes and sometimes get us remembering how wonderful it was to have our Moms in control and we just went to them with our problems. Hearing or reading about Moms just like you and me all feeling tired make me believe all the more that something GREAT is coming our way and this is Satan doing his best to get us to be unprepared. If he can stop us Moms from doing our callings he has truly won. Especially if it is our children that will be fighting the good fight in the end! As I write this I feel more empowered to keep going. I know that there will be times that it will be easier said than done but we have to keep going!
Again thank you for your testimony that you bear so many times here. It has truly been a blessing in my life to have stumbled onto this blog. On so many of my down days I am pulled to you and sure enough there is something that gives me that boost and gets me going again!

Emily Nelson said...

Seeing that picture of Jon holding noble up reminded me of (i think) the only time I saw camille other than when she was first born. In the basement of your mom's house, Jon was balancing Camille in her circus act pose! I can see it clearly in my mind's eye. I couldn't believe they could do that little trick. So cute. I am sorry for the pain you are still experiencing. I wish i could take the heartache away. But all I can really do is say i love you.