Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Step Back

A little more than 2 years ago

Tonight my mother heart is aching and I just need to get a bit of the ache out here on paper and out of my core. Sometimes this grieving thing is like taking two or three steps forward and then a giant step back. I have felt that today. I am not sure if it is the time of year or just because it has been a while and the grief barometer is on the rise. Whatever it is, I have been feeling like I am floating lost in a jumble of emotions and I am struggling to stay emotionally and psychologically anchored by hope, joy, and gratitude.

I walked into Sabrina and Ann Marie’s room tonight to see if they were asleep and there was Ann Marie snuggled up to Sabrina in Sabrina’s bed. She was scared she might have a nightmare so she snuggled up with her big sister. It was so cute and heart warming.

A scene like the one I saw tonight but taken last year.

Then I heard Lauren awake – and alone – in her room. A wave of sadness hit me, sadness for her. She was supposed to have a roommate too. She was not supposed to have to be the odd man out.

I went into Lauren’s room and laid by her side and snuggled her. I will be trying my whole life to be the buddy she lost. I told her I was sorry she didn’t have a roommate. She said “Camille is mine.” Yes. She is.

Later in my own room I realized how there is no place in this house anymore that is “Camille’s” place. Before Noble was born I could go in the nursery and feel the heaviness of her absence. That was her room.

Now it is his room. It is full of boy things. It no longer feels like her room. And yet she never lived and slept and played in Lauren’s room so even though it would have been her room now it doesn’t feel like her room.

Suddenly I miss having a room just for her – a room where I can go and feel the density of the loss and the closeness of her presence. Now there is but a room in my heart – an empty room filled with memories and joy and aching.

18 comments:

Cyndi W said...

What a beautiful post. I lost a husband at a very young age, and I remember re-marrying. It was similar to what you are describing. i thought I would never feel my lost husbands presence again, since someone else had taken his place. I know your situation is different but similar in some aspects. Trust me Stephanie you will, at the most unexpected times. Remember the veil is so thin.

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

Wishing you peace in your heart. Lucky little girls and boy to have a mommy so in tune to how they feel. Precious Lauren. Camille is hers. Your words are so poetic and beautiful. You are an inspiration~

Anonymous said...

Oh Stephanie. I am crying for you. You have kept her things. Maybe you need to find a new space that is just for Camille? Not just the room in your heart?

So much love and so many hugs,

Jane

The "Street" Clairs said...

So thoughtful and beautifil. than you for sharing your experiences, even when they hurt so much. It isn't the same but when I pass by Grams room I realize that one day it won't be her room anymore and it hurts a lil that she won't ever sleep there again. Again, not the same but the loss hurts. Thank you for being the beacon of light and strength that you are!

Mimi's Toes said...

Such a beautiful post. Praying you find daily peace. You will always have Camille in a special room in your heart.

shanan said...

My prayers are with you this day. I hope today you are able to start taking steps forward again.

The picture of Lauren feeding Camille is absolutely priceless!

Darleen said...

I know there is not a designated room for Camille but entering your home her presence is felt. Her pictures are all around and she graces the whole entire house. Once Noble is a little older I'm sure Lauren and him will be the best of buds.

Karisa Lynn said...

God bless you and bring your comfort and peace during the trying days.

Christina said...

I am at a loss for words, just want to send HUGS!

Samantha said...

A heartfelt post. Praying for peace.

Brittany said...

I may have to stop reading your blog..it always makes me cry. I am so sorry for you and your families loss. Camille is beautiful.

rebecca said...

stephanie, I want you to know I am thinking of you. I am sure you and Lauren will have a very sweet relationship because of your extra efforts. It's amazing what you can create when you recognize the need. That is also inspiration. Great idea - reading a few verses of scripture before bed. We're going to try that. I remember my mother kept some of my brother's things in a hope chest in her room so that she could get them out at will. I hope some good sleep and a new day brings peace and comfort to you.

{ Bethany } said...

I know exactly how you feel. I still havent moved Gavin's stuff out of his room. In fact, I want to move into a bigger house with more rooms so I don't have to. Crazy? Ya. Oh well. :P

Bacardi Mama said...

A special prayer that you find peace and comfort.

a.k.a. Jack said...

We love you Stephanie!

Erika Is A Panda said...

I stumbled across your blog- I don't even know how. However, it had touched me deeply. It was 3 days ago when I first started reading about your life. And now I'm captivated. While my heart hurts for you, I am so amazed at the grace and beauty by which you have handled/ are handling everything. You are an inspiration to me. Also, while I am not a member of LDS, I am truly fascinated and uplifted by your strong faith. I am not a mother, so I can't easily imagine the pain you must feel. However, your words are so poignant and mesmerizing, and I thank you for having given me a brief insight into your pain. You and your beautiful family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Erin Lafleur said...

I can empathize with this. Just days after our son unexpectedly passed away in 2008 my husband and my families came down and we packed up our belongings and had to leave to move across the county. It broke my heart to know I was leaving the place that I spent the last months of his life with him, a place I could still picture him walking down the hall with a smile. I knew we couldnt' stay but my heart just wanted to sooo much. It still hurts that we will never have a place like that again.

Cathleen said...

Stephanie I am so touched by your writing and your story. My sister sent me a link to your blog. A friend had sent it to her and she knew I would be interested. As I read through your posts I can relate on so many levels. Especially as a mother (9 children ages 19 to 3) and the loss of a child. We lost our son Matthew to a congenital heart defect back in Oct 2004.
I'm glad you have kept your blog public. I think it is an excellent way to touch and comfort others while working through your own grief. The gospel is amazing in it's healing message. I so appreciate my faith and the knowledge that my Heavenly Father really loves me. I can't wait for my family to be together again someday. I always believed that families were eternal, but it really became important after Matthew died.
I understand losing "their room" in your house. I kept Matthew's room and everything just like it was for a year and a half (until my next child was born). When we turned it into a nursery for my Isabelle, I went through his stuff and was finally able to deal with it. Some of my children were upset that I was moving his stuff. I needed that room there for that time, but I think it was good to finally move on. I miss his special place, but as we have completely moved houses now....it would have changed eventually anyway.
It is hard to have that hole between the children. There will always be that gap and I sometimes feel like the kids who were closet in age got ripped off in not getting to grow up with their buddy.
I really liked your post about finding joy again and about being overwhelmed as a mother. I can totally relate. You have a gift for sharing your feelings. I keep being moved to tears as I read.
Thanks for sharing your story about your beautiful Camille. I think only good can come from your sharing. I will continue to read. All my best to your sweet family.