Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm Not Going to Let You Win!

Sometimes I feel it -- the pressure, the heat from the battle. There is a continual onslaught of negative thoughts playing rounds in my head. Most of the time I can ignore them with the business of the day. In quiet moments they are harder to tune out.

I remind myself of all the answers I have come up with these last 13 months. I repeat to myself the same lines I have told myself a hundred thousand times before. I know my answers are good. They are both logically sound and I have felt their validity spiritually. I know my answers are true and good. But still the record spins it rounds of failure and despair in my head. And sometimes I hear it and feel it -- the pressure and the wearing down from this battle within.

I know these voices. I know who authors them. He wants me to be miserable. He wants me to give up. He wants me to drown myself in them. And he is relentless in his efforts.

And so must I be in mine. And so I say aloud so he can hear and know, "I'm not going to let you win. You will not win. I'm not going to let you win." And with those word I deliver a battle turning blow. The voices grow quieter and my own truth gains ground.

I will never cease to fight, thought I tire in the battle. I have warrior blood running through my veins. I will forge on day by day and in the end I will win. If for no other reason than to keep him from winning instead.


21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Be Strong!

Bacardi Mama said...

You will win!

Anonymous said...

You are an amazingly strong woman. There is no doubt you will win. Thankyou for sharing these words with me so I can be stronger too.

Jenna said...

You will win and I want to
win too!! He will NOT!!!

The Holland Family said...

The battle doesn't get any easier 6 years down the road. It just changes some, so be on your guard. Not to be Debbie Downer, but I want to win the battle too. Remember who we have on our side. That makes it just a little easier. Love, Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^

Davis family said...

You can do it! You can be strong. You are amazing.

Joan said...

For me it has been 14 months since my daughter went Home, and I understand the struggle. We will conquer.

Thank you.

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

You are strong, you will win, you have so much more on your side. Praying with you and for you Stephanie.

Brittany said...

You're amazing!!! You will win.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with a former comment. I too went through this same crisis, the loss of a dear sweet loved one. A beloved spouse, it does get easier, so hold on. You will always remember her, and hopefully always feel her sweet spirit nearby at those times when she chooses to be close by. But that Longing you were talking of a couple of days ago doesn't come quite as often. One thing that helped me was to write letters to this person and put my feelings in a journal. That helped tremendously. I would write them as if I were writing to my husband personally...it was so healing....You are very strong Stephanie!

Rachel said...

Thank you. I needed this today in so many ways. Stay strong- I know you will win!

Jenessa said...

This is a perfect post for what has been a hard few days for our ward family. A child in our ward drown in her backyard pool on Wednesday and you were the first person I thought of. Thank you for the honesty of your writings. Even on your hardest days you bring comfort to those around you. You are a gem in what seems sometimes a dark world.

Rach said...

Yet another post I get. Two years out, in the middle of the darkest part of night, these thoughts taunt me. We'll all fight together, won't we?

HUGS

KT said...

WOW...that is awesome. Of course this fits for you...but what you said fits EXACTLY for me and what I'm going through and needed to hear. I can do it along with you even though my situation is completely different. Thank you :)

Anonymous said...

The only words that come to mind at this time are 'Kia Kaha' - which is Maori for stay strong!

(Pronounced Key-a Ca-Ha)

Love, for NZ

Alisha said...

I really enjoyed reading your post. You are so right. I am going to disagree with a prior comment...I know that every death is devastating...however I really don't think the death of a child is comparable to that of ANY loved one's passing. I love my spouse so immensely, but the love I have for my children is so different. I just cannot imagine your pain. I know that you will "win" this battle...but I think it will be ongoing for the rest of your life...just in vary'ing degress....I wish you the best in all the different storms! =)

Anonymous said...

Love to you Stephanie

Jane

kathryn said...

take him down Steph...he's no match for you and your powerful spirit! i have complete faith in you...and i know you'll prevail. stay strong. love you!!!!!!

Daughter of God said...

It happens to everyone, I know how it is. Keep the faith.

Angie Larkin said...

It's amazing how in a moment of insight we can discern the author of our darkest thoughts. I've experienced that too. It is for sure real. Good to hear you are recognizing it and fighting the battle. You are such a neat lady.

Kristin said...

The 2 1/2 year old daughter of a family member of mine that lives in Las Vegas just drowned in their backyard pool last week. I'm going to refer them to your blog and hope it will bring them some comfort. They are also LDS.