Monday, June 15, 2009

Vacation


I am back from a lovely vacation in Southern California. Running away proved to be a fabulous idea and the time away has left me feeling relaxed though sleep deprived. But then most of us mothers of newborns are sleep deprived. There are some jobs from which there are no vacations.

I also took what has been my longest vacation from blogging. I actually didn't even take my computer on my trip. I wanted to just be disconnected from the world for a bit. It was lovely to forget which day it was and wonder what to do with each day.

And now today I am back. Back to my home. Back to my own bed. Back to my own schedule.

Today I am not marking the one year mark. Physically my body knows what day it is, what weekend it has been. I have been fighting off migraines since Saturday evening. I get these only when I am going through something stressful. But luckily I am able to nip them in the bud with Excedrin or Ibuprofin.

Emotionally I am SOOOO much better than I was a year ago ... well it just makes me feel grateful to be where I am today instead of where I was.

A year ago this day marked the end of one journey and the beginning of another. The 13th is the day I feel like we really lost Camille. I knew she was gone when I got to the hospital and saw Jon's face. That day was the worst day. The 15th was the day we said goodbye and resigned ourselves to the fact that miracle of her recovering was not in the Lord's plan.

This day marked the end of the terrible unknown in the hospital and the beginning of the certainty of a life without Camille. A year ago that was a life I didn't know how I could live. It was a life without joy, without hope, without the sun to shine on me.

Today I have learned that it is not a life without Camille. The sun still shines on me. There is still joy, hope and happiness. Camille is still very much a part of our family and I feel her light often in our home. There are still waves of sorrow and grief and pain but today I know that life is so much more than I thought it could ever again be a year ago.

Today I feel like I am turning a new page, starting a new chapter in this journey. I have passed all the firsts. Today I am writing new scripts, making new memories. Today Camille is well and happy and so am I. I am grateful for today.

28 comments:

Amy H said...

Another amazing and inspiring post. I have been reading for a little over a year (a SYTYCD fan!) and it makes my heart sing to read these words.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

A beautful post...thanks for sharing...

Jonelle Hughes said...

(((Stephanie)))Thank you for sharing that. I love what you said. I love the raw honesty and the incredible hope!

I wanted to share this quote:

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.

-Dorothy Thompson

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

So glad you had a wonderful vacation! Beautiful words, as usual. You are such an inspiration to me. God Bless

Susy said...

What an amazing post for all of us that follow you...as I am sure with others as well as myself, your growth through out this year has been remarkable and still to this day you inspire me to be a better me! Thank you Stephanie.

Carole said...

You truly have undergone an amazing journey over the last year, and have blessed so many others along the way. May the Lord continue to bless you, comfort you, and give you peace!

cynphil6 said...

Love you!
Glad you're back!

Becky said...

I am glad that you are home. I missed your posts. I am happy that you are in a better place. Thank you for always sharing so honestly and openly. I love you even though I don't really know you. Thank you.

Jennie said...

Stephanie- Thank you for this beautiful post. My heart has hurt for you this weekend, knowing what day was approaching. I am so happy to hear your continually positive, outlook on life. You have gone trough this trial with such grace, it truly is amazing to me. I pray for peace for you and your family. You have some very blessed kids to have you as their mom.

Nannette said...

I am glad that you have found happiness and peace and that you have not allowed bitterness to take over. You are truly a strong person with many strengths. On another note..we will be in Panguitch on the 28th and 5th... will we see you either time? Otherwise, I may come visit you while in vegas, I want to see your new baby.!

Miss Molly said...

Love you, love you, love you! So glad you got away. So glad you are progressing. My heart is with you this week.

Judy said...

Glad you had a wonderful vacation - You have been through quite a year, thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are an inspiration to mothers everywhere!

Julie said...

Wow Stephanie, this was a truly wonderful post from a woman who has her faith in Someone SO MUCH bigger than this world.

Thank you for sharing and I am happy you had such a relaxing get AWAY from the day to days.

Stay strong. You are a model of faithfulness to anyone reading this blog.

Chelsa said...

amazing and inspiring. it is nice to hear from a mom at the 1 year pt. since i'm only at the 4 1/2 month mark.

shanan said...

Steph, we love you!

Rebecca said...

Welcome home, Stephanie. This was an awesome post, thank you. I was thinking about you this weekend and hoping you were at peace.

Rebecca

Kami Beck said...

Beautiful post, Stephanie! Remembering Camille, I've thought of you and your sweet family many times this week. Your strength and courage are remarkable. Thanks for sharing your journey this year with all of us. I have learned many things about the heart and the closeness of heaven. Love to you all!.. . . Your sister in sleepless nights with babes to love!

Jennifer said...

You are so inspiring. I follow your blog but don't know you yet I feel your spirit so strong. I kept your family in my prayers this week as I am sure it was so difficult.

I have had a very trying week with my youngest but each time I thought, I have her here and I will happily deal with the tantrums as I know there are many who would give anything for that.

thank you for sharing your life.

Mommia said...

Thinking of you today. Glad you are doing good. Thank you for the beautiful post.

Jenna said...

You are my idol. I seriously am so inspired by you and hope to be like you one day! I am praying for you guys today and thank you for letting me be a part of this journey. Thank you Camille for making me strive to live a better life... Much love today.

kathryn_m said...

Your kiddos have one amazing Mama!

Welcome back, my friend!

love 'n hugs,
kathryn_m

Randi said...

I just wanted to give you a very giant, warm, and loving e-hug!!

Tami said...

I, too, have been thinking about you this week and praying for you. You always seem to express your feelings so beautifully. Sending lots of love your way.

Valerie said...

Stephanie,
I just thought I'd let you know I've been thinking of you and your family for the entire week. You've been in my prayers. Though I may not know what to say or do, at least I can let you know I care. Congratulations on the baptism and blessing. Love ya'

Melissa-Mc said...

Stephanie, I thought about you all day yesterday (the 15th) as I lost my baby sister on this very day when I was 13 years old. Thank you for still making it possible for Camille to bless all of our lives. It is comforting to know there are so many angels among us...

Cardalls said...

My brother-in-law died on June 9th at the age of 32 leaving behind a wife, 2 year old daughter and an unborn baby (due in September). I will be sharing your blog with our family members (especially my mother-in-law). you are full of faith and hope and all of us need a shot of that right now :).

Samantha said...

May your waves of sorrow lessen with each passing year, and your bond to your beautiful angel strengthen always. Thinking of you.

Lorie said...

Thank you so much for sharing your incredible strength with us. I can't not begin to find the words to tell you what an example of Faith you are to many.