Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Plans

June has always been a month filled with plans. Family vacations, graduations, swim lessons, recitals -- they all seem to cluster to June. Last year we had lots of June plans. We made it half way through them before our world came crumbling down and all our plans changed.

This year I am making plans again. I am happy to be mentally and emotionally able to make plans. I have come a long way since Camille's accident when my head turned into a strainer (unable to hold anything in it except my grief). The grief is still a prominent feature in my head. It still takes its place on the stage of my mind. But it is no longer featured as the starring role. 

This June I am planning Sabrina's baptism and Noble's baby blessing. We are doing them both the same night. I am looking forward to that this weekend. It is great to have such happy things to fill this time and keep me focused on the living wonders before me. 

Next week I am running away. :) I know many other mothers of angels do some sort of celebration or commemoration on the day their child left this life. We all find our own path through grief. Personally, I wish so much that the middle of June was in no way significant to me or my family. I do not want to do anything to celebrate that day in any way. It was the worst day of my life (or at least half of it was.)

So I am planning to run away with my family - away from home where it happened, away from everyone who was around us, away from every place Camille ever set eyes on -- away. We have decided to go to San Diego with the Kunz family. Their son Daxton died the same week as Camille and we have been good friend this last year.

I hope some time at the beach and some theme parks and in beautiful nature with beautiful weather will "take me away" from the thoughts and events of last year. I guess we will see how it goes. My only way to "commemorate" our one year mark will be taking "family" pictures with my sister in law (and perhaps I will blog that day.)

Thank you for your prayers and support as we approach this mile marker. I appreciate them. I do alright as long as I stay busy and out and about. But in quiet moments when I am alone or with just Noble, I can feel the barometer of grief rising. I know so many think it should be easy by now. But living this reality, it just isn't easy, I don't know if or when it ever will be. So thanks for the support. 

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

How touching. You will be in my thoughts in the days to come. I love reading your blog. It brings me happiness and peace.

shanan said...

good job steph. get away and enjoy your time in so-cal.

Karisa Lynn said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers during this tough time.

Jonelle Hughes said...

Stephanie- I think that sounds wonderful. The sea is a great place for healing.:) If you have never read Gifts From The Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, you must. She was a woman who also knew your grief. She had a way of explaining motherhood and it's phases so beautifully. I have read her book in different phases of my life, and appreciated it differently each time.

Nancy said...

You don't know me, but a friend of mine recommended your blog to me.I have buried two children in the last three years. Our oldest son and our youngest daughter (she died Set. 9, 2008). It is indeed difficult to bury a child -- and the mourning process overwhelming at times. What ever you need to do is okay -- I hope you have a good trip away from home... and that you continue to heal.

Nancy

Judy said...

Have a wonderful weekend and a great trip "away"!

Meg Pie said...

Stephanie...
I haven't lost a child but I have lost a dad and sister. My heart goes out to you. The 1 year mark is always hard. I do have to say though, I think being with the other family who also lost their child is something so helpful for you all! What an amazing gift to give each other.
I will be thinking about you guys all month long!
Love from Oregon

Sheryl said...

One year - it's truly awful. And not just the day itself, but all the days surrounding it. Just survive the one year mark - I think that's the best you can do for now. I had hoped to do some service project or something to remember Esther at one year, but it was seriously all I could do to get through each day for a while. There are plenty of years to come when we might feel up to doing more. But for now - I hope your trip helps you get through the days. That's all you should expect of yourself. Congratulations on Noble - he is darling. And thanks again for starting the blog. It has been a great source for me.

Alisha said...

I don't think it will ever get easy...just more bearable. Prayers to your family. A baptism and a blessing at the same time is way amazing and fun!

kathryn said...

i'm praying for you. would love to see you here in socal if you are in the mood, but of course, i COMPLETELY understand if you aren't. be patient with yourself!
xoxo
k

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

Have a blessed getaway with your family and friends. It is heartwarming to hear you are making plans for June. I remember reading the post about the blessing of the new babies~ how special, to celebrate Sabrina and Noble together. I loved your post to your precious girl on her birthday. Safe travels, FRIEND!

a.k.a. Jack said...

I don't know how anyone could think it should be easy by now, at least not any mother. I think you have made a good plan.
Love you,
Jenny

April said...

have fun in the sun with your Angel Camille shining her rays all around you and your family!, and blessing her new baby brother.

Jolene said...

The year mark is hard, but toast to her life and the thousands of lives she has touched (and continues to touch). She is a special daughter of our Heavenly Father and her earthly mama misses her. I don't think we ever stop missing them like crazy -- they are part of our soul. Good plan to escape memory triggers. I hope peace fills your day as much as possible.

MaryClaire said...

who on earth thinks it should be "easy" by now. i can't imagine that it wil ever be easy. you're amazing and you're doing what you can.

i think getting away is the best thing on earth to do with your family during that time. have fun with elizabeth, and i have no doubt that you'll get some amazing pictures

Anonymous said...

I take great comfort in your words. You should not be over it by now. My mom joined Heavenly Father 3 years ago and it's always a part of you. The day, their birthday, your birthday, holidays. As I approach the days leading up to my birthday, it is a bit sad. I do take comfort in the fact that Heavenly Father lives and I will return their again too. I am thankful for the gospel which helps it make a bit more sense. The things you say put into words what I feel and I thank you for that. It helps knowing someone else understands. I too, hope, you know so many understand you too. I think it's good to go and I hope that it brings you peace. You won't forget but Camille will be happy knowing you are happy. I know that's the way my mom feels when I venture out.

Thank you again for providing this blog. It is nice to read because so many think I too should be over it.

Jennie said...

Stephanie- I hope you will have a wonderful trip. I think it sounds like an excellent idea to get away and enjoy your family, with others who know, while getting away from those memory triggers. I pray for you and your family- that you will have peace. I can't imagine this is something you will ever 'get over'. You have gone through the hardest thing I can imagine, with such grace- and I admire you for that and your beautiful testimony.

Rachel said...

I wish I could run away. We have no where to run down here. The only place that's far enough way to allow my husband to be back to work by Friday is Tucson, and that's where we went after we left the hospital. We don't want to go there, either.

Angie said...

Thinking of you! Good luck in the upcoming weeks. I hope you enjoy your vacation.

Amanda said...

You are ALWAYS in my prayers, Stephanie.

I ran away to San Diego last week too. It's a great soother, the ocean. I will be thinking more and more about you in the days to come...

Elise said...

I'm not sure how anyone who has a child could think that this should be easy for you now. I can't imagine your pain...I hope you are able, though, to tolerate it a little more each day.

Anonymous said...

Rats - I just typed a long comment but didn't type the word thingy and somehow lost it. But the most important thing: Stephanie, I will keep you in prayer this month especially. For peace and strength and equanimity. And we just took our first trip to SD: loved Sea World & Legoland (but we have boys), the old town trolley tour (even the little ones enjoyed that), and I especially loved Coronado, the shops on the main street, and the Hotel Del. Yummy ice-cream parlor on the premises, and fabulous tables overlooking the ocean. Have fun!

TMI Tara said...

Hi Stephanie! I haven't been here for awhile, but I went to dinner with a friend tonight and it brought your blog to mind. Her son passed away recently at age 7. She is really struggling. I'm going to give her the url to this blog as well as the private blog for angel children. I was wondering if you could invite her to read that one? Her email address is casieo@msn.com. Thanks Stephanie! And congrats on your beautiful, healthy baby boy!!! What a wonderful addition to the family. =)

Anonymous said...

If you know someone who has lost a child and you think could learn a lot from not just your blog but from your private blog for mothers that has lost children, how do you go about getting them linked up to you and the other moms? What are the exact creditials you have set for the private blog? Could you please address this? Thank you.

Anonymous said...

June will never be the same for you. I am so sorry for that. You will have some of your lowest days during this month and some of your highest. I imagine you will have some incredible spiritual experiences during this month, as well (cherish them). Let the waves come as they may and know that I am thinking about your sweet family and praying for you all.

Love, Nikki K.

Stephanie said...

The angel parents blog is for parents who have lost a young child who was born living. I haven't specifically defined "young" but most of the angels represented were under the age of 8.

I am keeping it to children born living because I am limited on the number of people I can invite as authors and it is too hard to draw a line based on gestational age to me. I have less than 20 spots left on the blog.

If someone fits the criteria, they can email me and let me know who they lost and when and how old they were. As long as I have spots left, I will send them an invite.

Hope that helps.