Sunday, June 21, 2009

One in a Million


My blog counter hit the 1,000,000 mark yesterday. A million visits by who knows how many people. What an amazing thing it is that so many people have shown love, concern, and interest in Camille, her story, her mission, and her family.

All this in one year. A year ago today we held her funeral. I have a CD recording of it. I have not listened to it yet. But I think perhaps today I will. Jon and I talked today about how important it is to remember Camille. It is not important to remember the pain and suffering we have and sometimes still do feel. It is not important to remember the tragedy of her death. But there are so many good things I do want to remember.

I want always to remember how our family rallied around us in our darkest hours. They went to amazing lengths to comfort, console, and help us. All this while feeling their own sense of loss. We have been richly blessed with an amazing family. They literally held me up when I could not get up on my own. No matter what difficulties, disagreements, or divides we may face in the future, the love they showed me after Camille's accident will not be forgotten. It ties me to them even more deeply than I thought possible.

I also want to remember the feeling in our home just after Camille's passing. I needed it to be a place of love and peace so that I could feel her near. Time has worn down that NEED and our home is not always a place of peace and love. But I want to remember how it was in the beginning because that is how I want it to be always. That is now the goal for which I daily strive.

I want to remember all the kindness of friends and strangers, the powerful feeling on being prayed for by so many, the goodness of mankind. These memories give me hope in a seemingly morally deteriorating world.

I want to remember the way I saw my children through Camille's eyes that first day after she died. I want always to see them for the glorious spirit children of God that they are. Even when they are being naughty, I want to see the light that they innately carry as spiritual offspring of divinity.

I want to remember our drive to live clean and worthy lives, continually repenting and relying on the Saviors atonement to make us so. I want to remember to repent every day so that I can be as clean and pure as Camille is and so that if my time should come tomorrow I would be worthy to be with her. I want this memory to drive me not to screw up so often in the first place.

And I want to remember Camille. I want to remember our family as a family of four little girls. I want to remember that now there are 7 of us, not just the 6 I can see. I want to remember her sounds and smells and snuggles. I want to remember her enough for her sisters to lean on my memory when their own fades. This is the hard part of remembering. It brings with it such acute missing, longing, and heartache. Still, I want to remember because memories are all I have left of her.

And so this Father's day we will remember the little girl who last Father's day we held as she passed from our arms to her Father in Heaven's arms.
And this Father's day we will rejoice in the new little son with whom our family has been blessed. This Father's day we will be grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who has trusted us with 5 of his choice children. This Father's day we will give the Father of our little family all the love, joy, and pampering that was overlooked in the shadow of grief last Father's day.


Happy Father's day Jonathan.
To us 6 you are one in a million.

20 comments:

Kr!sty said...

beautiful. thinking of you always & wishing Jon much peace & joy today. :)

Flaming June said...

My thought and prayers are with you and beautiful family. Happy Fathers day to Jon.

Cyndi W said...

Stephanie,
Thank you so much for always writing with the spirit, so that we have the opportunity to feel the very essence of what you are feeling and trying to convey. You truly make me want to strive every single day to be a better person, just through the words that you write, I know them to be true, but sometimes I forget. I am so sorry for the passing of your dear sweet Camille, but overjoyed at the birth of your beautiful son. Happy Fathers Day to your Husband. May you have One Million More Visitors to inspire to be better one step at a time. Cyndi

Jennie said...

Beautiful words, as always! You will remember those things about Camille, I have no doubt. I have been inspired countless times by your beautiful words. It is amazing in the depths of your tragedy, how you can lift and inspire others to do good and be better. I have no doubt that is a gift from Heavenly Father, and a sweet tender mercy from Camille's life. Happy Father's Day to Jon!

Carolyn said...

We love you all. I'm glad I read this post and can be reminded of Camille's example to us and our family. I love her and miss her. I love you all too. Happy Father's Day Jonathan! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Sue Sparks said...

Absolutely beautiful.

Brittany said...

Such a wonderful post. Thank you. Camille is so beautiful, as are your other little girls and new baby boy. You have a wonderful family. You always make me remember to be more grateful for my daughter on those days that she's being a little stinker. I just love reading your posts. They are so inspiring. Thanks again.

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

Happy Fathers Day Jon! Hope you had a wonderful day... you are blessed with a beautiful family!!

Twinkletoes said...

Happy Father's Day Jon!

Congrats, again, on over a million. It's not just a number...rather the number of people who continuously come back to your story to live, learn, and love!

Susy said...

Again...you melt me with your sincerity...and love of your family, our Savior and our Father in Heaven!

Bacardi Mama said...

Such a beautiful post. You are truly an inspiring wife and mother.

Alisha said...

I stumbled upon your blog a few days after Camille's funeral last year and I have been reading ever since. It has been interesting for me to "see"(from a distance) your healing. I am happy for where you are and all that you've learned and shared. Congrats on a cute little baby boy!

cynphil6 said...

Well said my friend, well said. You are in my mind and heart, and as always, I admire your strength. Happy Father's Day to Jon!
xoxo

Sarah J. said...

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Always sending love, Stephanie.

Jane

denisejorgy said...

That was beauftiully written. Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts today.

Mimi's Toes said...

I will forever be changed because of your blog. I think of Camille so often. You have ministered to me in a way that I am unable to describe. I see and feel the love of God in each post. You are remarkable.

Sara said...

I just wanted to leave a comment with you. My angel baby, Emma, passed away 2 1/2 years ago in a drowning accident. She was 20 months old. It was nice (but hard) to see some of the things I have felt over the past couple of years expressed by you. I can especially relate to feeling like your life isn't safe anymore. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Know that you aren't the only one who has a lifetime of birthdays, and holidays wondering "what if?" The only comfort is that we will get to be with our beautiful babies again and that a very real Savior has made that possible and grieves when we grieve. Long distance hugs!
Sara Lines

Kim Sue Ellen said...

So so very sweet. Thinking of you this day. Love. hugs.

Rey and Meegan said...

Absolutely beautiful! I love the healing in your words! I love your gratitude, and love. You are one in a million!