Monday, May 25, 2009

Holding Back the River

Some days holding back the tears feels like it is as difficult as holding back the river from flowing. One leak and the damn breaks and I wonder if there will ever be an end to the tears that flow without permission. 

I don't know why some days are just harder than others. I don't know what brings the sorrow and grief pressure to the point of tearing open the hole in my heart. It just is the nature of the beast. But like the river that right now is raging angrily down the mountain at the brink of overflowing, in time the waters will recede and the peaceful happy stream will return. 

But for now the river rages and my mind is turned to the past. We have made a tradition of coming up to the cabin for Memorial Day. 

Two Years Ago
Last year we made an exception to go to Disneyland for Sabrina's birthday. We left Camille home with Grandma and Nana. I am glad she got some time with these wonderful women alone before she had to leave us. 

I remember dropping her off with Grandma Waite. Grandma hadn't had much alone time with her. Camille was just barely starting to understand us when we asked her things and still did not talk at all. I turned to her and asked "Are you ready to go visit Grandma?" It was meant as a rhetorical question. But Camille gave an emphatic nod of her head to say "Yes!"

That simple gesture gives me comfort now. I feel she knew what I was asking and was excited to spend time with her grandparents.

One Year Ago
Playing at Nana and Grandpa's house.

Missing my girl this weekend. Missing my girl. Let the rains fall. Let the river rage. The Sun still shines behind the heavy dark gray clouds. It will return in time. But for today, Let the rains fall. Let the river rage.

16 comments:

Marylin said...

My thoughts are you will you. All my love

Mia hat eins mehr! said...

Dear Stephanie and family, I don`t know if it helps, but I wanted to tell you that the weeks before the first "heavens birthday" of my little baby girl were the worst I ever had. The day itself was beautiful, with little wonders here and there and a bright sunshine. It is getting better. Step by step.
Thinking of you in Germany,
Claudia

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

Thinking about you... wishing for words to comfort...knowing there are none. Camille watches over you, sending her love to you through the sunshine, her sisters, her brother, and her Daddy. Wrap yourself in it!

Kr!sty said...

Look for the rainbow :) Thinking of you & your family on this day of remembering those who've passed.

e said...

steph,

sending love and a huge hug today. days like today (especially) I wish I could just zip over and chill on the big brown couch with you.

I remember Chief uploading that pic to my computer right after they had been with camille-- he just gushed at how darling and dear she was! I remember agreeing and thinking in that moment how special she was. thanks for posting that photo again. seeing camille's sweet face never gets old for me.

I love you.

-elizabeth

Jennie said...

That is a darling picture of Camille. I am so sorry you have to endure this. I hope you begin to feel peace and happiness again soon. My prayers are with you.

shanan said...

Steph, my prayers are with you this day - and much love too!

Shanan

sarah s. said...

Don't fight it Steph- let the river roll. Like you said, the sun is still there- just hidden by the clouds. The sun will shine again. Wishing you peace....

Lena Baron said...

Prying for your dear aching Mother Heart tonight! Peace be with you til' you meet again!

kathryn_m said...

Ahhhhhhhhh Stephanie .. sending you warm hugs.

Kathryn_m

Anonymous said...

Lots of hugs for you Stephanie. There are no words.

Love,

Jane

Chelsa said...

you pour my own feelings out onto your blog so well.

D-9 said...

Oh, I am sending you lots of cyber love today. I don't know why these emotions rage like the river but in some ways I am glad they do... it helps us remember our loved ones and that is a good thing... even if we end up crying all day long.

Anonymous said...

Steph -

Just remember that it is OK and expected to have these types of days still (and forever, if needed). You also need to remember that it really hasn't been that long and and there is no time frame on the grieving process. Know that I am thinking of you. The cabin is beautiful and peaceful looking. Enjoy your stay there.

Love ya,
Nikki K.

Stacy said...

"The Sun still shines behind the heavy dark gray clouds." One of my favorite images in my mind that I will never forget is when I went on a plane from UT to AZ {I think}. It was pouring in UT when the plane took off, the clouds were extremely dark and everything looked very very dark. When we went into the clouds it obviously turned white/grayish for a little bit but then we were eventually above the clouds pretty quickly. On top of the clouds is what I will never forget. The sun was shining BEAUTIFULY and it looked so peaceful. It almost looked like snow had just fallen and the sun wanted to join in the beauty of it all. I wish I had a real picture of it instead of just the picture in my head, but I will never forget it. That line you wrote at the end of your post reminded me of that. The sun WILL shine again! That is the most comforting thing I could ever know!

Krainich Family said...

I Love the last paragraph. It's so poetic. Lots of love