Last night I had one of those nights where out of nowhere the missing just hit me like a train. I went up to bed and just knew sleep wasn't going to come before a good cry. So I went to Camille/Noble's room and let the flood gates open.
I got out the trunk of Camille's things and read over the "instructions for Camille" I had written a couple of weeks before Camille died. My parents and in-laws took care of her while we went to Disneyland with the older girls. I had written her daily schedule and likes and habits on this. I hadn't been able to read it before this. But last night I figured I was crying anyway, may as well.
One of the notes on these instructions was about how to put her to bed. I wrote about how she liked to snuggle up to her soft blanket, no binki, and if she was tired she would just nuzzle her face in it and go straight to sleep with no crying.
I pulled out the blanket. We called it the Shrek blanket because of its fun and funky color scheme or green, black, and purple. It is super soft. It was made by a good friend of mine. I held this blanket and in my tears, thought about how grateful I was for the dear friend who made it- this simple little blanket that brought such pleasure to my sweet little girl in her short life.
I had just seen this friend at my baby shower a couple weeks ago. I had heard she was pregnant also. I learned at the shower that we shared the same due date and were going to deliver at the same hospital. We joked that maybe we would see each other in the recovery rooms.
This morning the nurse who took care of me and Camille after I gave birth to Camille called me. My friend had her baby last night and this nurse was her delivery nurse. After the normal delivery there were complications with his breathing. He was transferred up to Salt Lake with Dad by his side. He passed away this morning.
It is a gray and cold day today. There is no great wind or storm, just a stillness and chill that shouldn't be.
Last night I ached in my missing. This morning I ache for my friends.