Thursday, April 16, 2009

Aching Heart

Last night I had one of those nights where out of nowhere the missing just hit me like a train. I went up to bed and just knew sleep wasn't going to come before a good cry. So I went to Camille/Noble's room and let the flood gates open. 

I got out the trunk of Camille's things and read over the "instructions for Camille" I had written a couple of weeks before Camille died. My parents and in-laws took care of her while we went to Disneyland with the older girls. I had written her daily schedule and likes and habits on this. I hadn't been able to read it before this. But last night I figured I was crying anyway, may as well. 

One of the notes on these instructions was about how to put her to bed. I wrote about how she liked to snuggle up to her soft blanket, no binki, and if she was tired she would just nuzzle her face in it and go straight to sleep with no crying.

I pulled out the blanket. We called it the Shrek blanket because of its fun and funky color scheme or green, black, and purple. It is super soft. It was made by a good friend of mine. I held this blanket and in my tears, thought about how grateful I was for the dear friend who made it- this simple little blanket that brought such pleasure to my sweet little girl in her short life.

I had just seen this friend at my baby shower a couple weeks ago. I had heard she was pregnant also. I learned at the shower that we shared the same due date and were going to deliver at the same hospital. We joked that maybe we would see each other in the recovery rooms.

This morning the nurse who took care of me and Camille after I gave birth to Camille called me. My friend had her baby last night and this nurse was her delivery nurse. After the normal delivery there were complications with his breathing. He was transferred up to Salt Lake with Dad by his side. He passed away this morning.

It is a gray and cold day today. There is no great wind or storm, just a stillness and chill that shouldn't be. 

Last night I ached in my missing. This morning I ache for my friends.

35 comments:

Amanda said...

I ache for the both of you in your sorrow. Many prayers, love and well wishes xoxo {{{hugs}}}

Krainich Family said...

I am so so sorry to hear about your friend. It's just so hard to be called through this trial. So much love to you. *Hugs* I can't wait to meet you when I come to Vegas.
Sincerely,
Michelle

Anonymous said...

My husband has been working a lot lately. I am grateful for the work, but it is hard to be at home by myself. This morning I have been having 'one of those days' with my kids. I decided to go to lds.org and read a Conference talk and then I watched the video on Easter by Elder Holland. I was reminded that I am not alone, especially when things are hard.

I appreciate you sharing such a personal experience. I was reminded again that my trials are so small. I need to take joy in the small things and keep an eternal perspective. We are not alone. Thank you for sharing. Sending my love.

Michelle said...

my heart hurts with yours and your friend. thanks for sharing you grief process in your blog.

hugs

Anonymous said...

Life is so full of up and downs. There is so much grief all around us. Fortunately we do have the gospel that brings us hope and love. However, like you mentioned before and I would like to reiterate, it is OK and normal to be sad, cry, and grieve. Prayers will continue to go out for you and your friend.
I love you!

Mandi said...

I am thinking of both of you in your sorrow. My prayers are with both of you, my heart aches for other reasons and for you both. Thanks for sharing through your blog, i am not that brave.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. I will be praying for you and your friend. God Bless you.

Sue said...

Oh, wow. That pretty much knocked the wind out of me. Life is so painful and beautiful, often at the same time. And usually unexpected.

I am so sorry for your friend, but I think she is lucky to have you to walk with her through this particular trial, as you are uniquely qualified to do.

I'm sure the Lord will bless you both, just as you (and she, with Camille's blanket) have blessed the lives of others.

But oh, this has to hurt.

Marylin said...

Oh gosh my heart is just so sad for both of you today! It just doesn't seem fair!! My prayers are with you and your friend. All my love

Presley family said...

I want you to know that you and your friend are both in my heart and prayers always!!! BIG HUGS!!!!!

The Stells! said...

Stephanie,

I just wanted to tell you how amazing of a women i think you are! You are so strong in the gospel and really are doing such great missionary work through your blog! You are also helping so many people who are going through rough times or even just reminding all of us how fragile life is and how we need to love every minute of it! So thank you so much for who you are and what you do! You are a constant inspiration in my life and have helped me realize how blessed i truly am! I am sorry for your pain, and your friends. You are in my prayers

Amanda said...

Thanks for sharing your experience and your friends loss - it will allow others to grieve with you, and I hope you both will feel a little less of the burden as a result. I'll keep praying.

Lori said...

Oh Dear Lord. I am so sorry for you and your friend. Your hearts are both broken. Praying for the both of you.

denisejorgy said...

I can't even fathom losing a child so I really can't relate to your heartache, I just wish you didn't have to go through times like these. My prayers are with you during this time. Our Heavenly Father is always with us, whenever we need Him-turn to Him and feel His love.

Rebecca said...

I am amazed to read your entry this morning. I just finished telling a friend of mine how strange it was that I had been grieving in a weird way again this week. I had even called another friend who has had a baby die and tried to figure out my trigger and why I was having such a time. Then I got this same news as you this morning and I know why. The exact same thing happened to me the week before Camille died. It's almost like we need to be gradually brought back into the pain so as not to be overwhelmed when the news of a friends pain comes. Then I come to read your blog and see that you had a simular experience of having a rough night last night. These are some of the tender mercies of the Lord that help us to see His hand in all things.

Thank you for your willingness to share parts of your life with us.

Anonymous said...

I keep thinking how sorry I am for your loss and the loss of your friend. I hear more and more of children passing on so young; it is hard to fathom at times. But, one thing that keeps coming to my mind as I hear these situations, is what special children are coming to earth at this time. They need to recieve their earthly bodies, but are so incredibly SPECIAL that they are spared this life and are able to return to live with our Heavenly Father. What a wonderful day it will be when you and your family are reunited with Camille (to raise her and to help her reach her true potential) and see the truly amazing spirit that she is. Until then, our prayers are with you and your amazing family. May God bless you with peace and comfort at this time!

Jennie said...

I am so sorry that you have an aching heart. I am so sorry about your friend. It must be especially hard for you, not only because of what you have gone through, but because you can relate to her with pregnancy as well. I am sure you will be a comfort to her, knowing what you know.

Larsen said...

I am so sorry. There are no words. Give her a hug for me when you can and let her know so many of us are thinking of her

Gavin's Mom
Michelle

Olsens R Us said...

Stephanie,
I am so sorry to hear of your rough night last night. I ache also for your friend. I think that sometimes when we are aching, hearing of another's loss can be even more devastating because of the level of understanding that you have of what your friend is going through. While that is more painful for you, it will be a blessing to your friend who will have a truly empathetic listener who can help her through this trial. I have often thought about why some women are trusted with such heavy burdens- the Lord must have a remarkable amount of faith in His children. Perhaps we are stronger than we know. With every post I see more strength, faith, courage and righteous desire in you than I thought one person could have. You are a great example of being tried, purified and brought forth as gold (Job 23:10).

Davis family said...

I am so sorry. She is blessed to have you as a friend. You can be her comfort and strength! You are loved. I will say a special prayer for both of you.

Lena Baron said...

Steph, Sometimes the ache is so powerful. Isn't it interesting the perspective our experience gives us? My heart aches for you and our dear sister who is amidst the most precious and trying moments of her life. Oh how I pray for you both! Again, I wonder if you or your friend might find any comfort in a post I wrote not too long ago. It is titled "New Mission Opened... In Heaven." Feel free to take a look. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and your friend's loss. God Bless!

Clark and Annmarie Huggins said...

Oh bless your heart, I am so sorry for these days. I still go in to my Justin's room and cry.

Kristine said...

I'm so, so sorry for your friends loss. My prayers are with both of you.

Life is so incredibly fragile and scary sometimes. You're VERY brave to be entering motherhood again. Ever since my daughter got sick I'm terrified to have another baby. I know so many things now that I was blissfully aware of a few years ago.

Kristine

Scrappy said...

I am so sorry to hear this sad news. My prayers go out to all of you.

Samantha said...

My heart aches with yours. I can't even imagine. My heart goes out to you and your friends.

Jill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness!!! Way too many babies are being called home right now. I know we should be happy they get "The Crown Without the Conflict" but oh how my heart aches for all these mother who's arms are empty. Praying for you dear friend, and for you.

Anonymous said...

Love and cuddles being sent from afar, as always.

Jane

The "Street" Clairs said...

My heart aches for you and your friend. We send our prayers and love. Stephanie, your honesty and example have been a beacon of strength in the trials we are facing and I want to thank you for sharing so openly.

-Eva

Heather Payne said...

You don't know me. I'm just one of the many people who finds your faith uplifting and follows your blog. I kept thinking all night about your friends' loss yesterday and yours as well. I have dealt with some tragedies of my own in life and I'm always counseled that I will be able to be a better comfort to others who suffer. At the time this is the LAST thing I want to hear - I just want my OWN suffering to stop and can't even begin to think about others. It was helpful for me to see the way you might be able to comfort and support your friend in specific ways that another might not because of your own experiences. You encouraged me to reach out and make sure I am trying to make something positive come out of overwhelming difficulty in my life. Thank you for sharing. I hope you know you comfort many others beyond those you know, even.

Gwenevere said...

Our positions in life, our likes, our desires...naturally group us with others who are similar. We seek after others who can understand us and put up with us. Something about strength in numbers. Perhaps this grouping is more than an unconscious act but one of divine providence. The irony is too thick. I believe He knows what we need, and who we need to get us through happiness and sadness. How many more like this will you know in your life because of your willingness to share, because of your similarity. What messages of comfort can you give, that I never could. Thank you for doing what so many cannot.

Now, I am not going to read your blog anymore. I'm not sure I want to know what it takes to be a true friend of Stephanie's! :)

(yeah right...I couldn't stop if I wanted to, I have no similar loss in my life, but like so many who read this blog, I'm drawn to its messages.) If circumstances allowed, I'd be honored to be called your friend to be able comfort you in your sadness. Until then, I'll be there for those, who I know personally, that need a real friend.

Gwenevere

Kr!sty said...

So sorry for each of your losses. I hope the sun comes back soon and that you can find the strengh to give guidance to your sweet friend. All things happen according to God's will. Prayers are with you.

kmmclain said...

I am so sorry for your loss and for your friend. I hope you can give one another comfort during this difficult time.
My prayers go out to both of you. May you continue to feel the love, and compassion of your Father in Heaven.
You are an inspiration.

Kunz Family said...

Isn't it funny. I actually read through the instructions that I left with my family when we went out of town. It is like I am back in the moment.... or something. Can't wait til next week!!!

Marylin said...

So last night I was talking with a friend and she informed me of a mutual friend of ours that lost her baby last week after he was born and it connected in my head that perhaps it is the same friend that you write about in this post. My heart was so sad all over again and still aches today!