I just woke from an awful nightmare. The last images in my head from this nightmare were of Lauren drowning and me pulling her out of the tub. I will spare the rest of the crazy details of the dream. Now I am having trouble going back to sleep. I am scared to dream right now. Every time I almost fall asleep I am back in that dream, about to lose a second child.
But being awake is not so easy either. I am tired. It is hard to keep my mind from sliding down the slippery slope of grief when my mind is tired. I can no longer just shake off such crazy nightmares. I wake to a living nightmare that never ends.
So I thought I might blog my mind into a new direction and then try to go to sleep with better thoughts in my head. Julie Andrews tells us to think of our favorite things right? Well maybe that will help tonight.
Here are a few of my favorite things:
Just about anything from Fresh When Jon and I lived in California, he had a conference at the Bacara Resort and Spa in Santa Barbara. I decided to join him on this short overnighter. I went to the spa while he went to his meetings.
The first thing I noticed about the Bacara was the smell. It smelled WONDERFUL. There were fresh flowers and big displays of fresh fruit everywhere. It was really lovely. The time I spent at the spa the next morning felt like an over indulgence. I really felt like a princess. I was completely pampered.
The products they used in the spa and the shampoo, conditioner, and body gel in each room were Fresh products. I fell in love with the smell of them. Ever since then, I have had a bottle of Soy Shampoo, Pomegranate Conditioner and Lycee Sugar Shower Gel at home.
They are way pricy. So, I only use them once in a while. Once bottle can last me a whole year that way. On days that are hard I use these special products in my bath or shower and suddenly I am back at the Bacara being pampered.
Several months ago, I sent Sabrina and Annie up to take a bath. When they came back they smelled ... WONDERFUL. I went upstairs to discover they had used the remaining half of my fresh shampoo and shower gel to make a bubble bath and to wash their hair. In return, they got to do chores beyond their normal chores around the house to earn enough money to buy me new bottles. Hopefully they will stay away from the bottles they bought me for Christmas.
Ice Cream - specifically mint chip from Baskin Robbins or 31 Flavors is another one of my favorite things. Although sometimes I do love a scoop of chocolate peanut butter from there or by Hagan Daas. It is funny how pregnancy alters our tastes however. This pregnancy, my baby craves fried savory food like onion straws and french fries or avocado egg rolls from Cheesecake Factory. I do love all these thing normally but to crave them over ice cream or chocolate? ... well that is just the pregnancy talking.
A really good CLEAN (no sex descriptions) historical fiction novel. One of my favorites is These Is My Words by Nancy Turner. I am looking for a few good novels to read on an upcoming trip so if you want to leave a suggestion that would be great! I love historical fiction. Mysteries can be okay. I enjoy a well written biography like John Adams by David McCullough. The last book I read was Sister Of My Heart by Chitra Divakaruni. It was pretty good. Right now I am a couple of chapters into The Pilots Wife but I am not sure I will finish it. I have a hard time reading about other people going through the grieving process still.
Falling asleep in the warm sunlight from a window on a cold winter day. Have you ever had this happen? On a day where you are just tired and can't stay awake and you lie down in the warm sunlight streaming in a window and feel yourself being carried off to sleep. That sounds really lovely right now.
Guittard Chocolate Chips in my chocolate chip cookies - preferably milk chocolate. If you haven't ever tried this brand it is wonderful.
Listening to my husband play the piano - especially the song he wrote for me in the month before he called me to date him when we weren't communicating at all. It is a song he wrote about our friendship and how much he missed me. He played it for me on our first "romantic" date. Now that is the way to woo a woman.
A low full harvest moon. I just LOVE this sight. I always have. I love the beauty of the full moon rising in the evening sky.
A brand new outfit. I love new clothes. I never buy them for myself anymore. But I love clothes the first time you wear them. I wish they could always fit and feel as good as the first time you wear them.
Well I think I am going to stop there. Most of my other favorite things including most of my favorite things to touch involve my kids and I am purposely avoiding going there. I just can't think about them right now without sliding down that slope.
So I hope I will be able to go back to bed and think of the feel of warm sunlight, the smell of Bacara, the taste of warm chocolate chips cookies and the sight of the full moon surrounded my a billion stars. With all these wonderful thoughts maybe I will find a happier dream to dream.
Update: That apparently worked. I just woke from a wonderful dream about an adventure to Toronto Canada (to which I have never been) with a dear old friend from high school. Thank heaven - literally.