We visited the cemetery today. The marker for Camille's grave is up at last. I was unsure how I would feel when this day came. There is something so ... permanent and real about seeing it there. I was mostly fine at the cemetery.
I thought the photo was ... a bit different than I expected. She looked really "Harris" in it to me. Sorry the close up I took with my cell phone is too blurry to put up. The name plate looks fine I guess. It just seemed ... too plain, too cold, to lifeless to be a proper memorial to my baby girl so full of life and mischief.
Usually my kids enjoy our visits to see Camille's grave. I think this change in the marker disturbed Lauren. Initially she was excited to see the photo and she walked up and kissed it. But within minutes she was begging to leave. She kept saying she was done seeing Millmills. It was too much she said. I am not sure we ever know the workings of a 3 year old mind, but for her benefit we left.
In the car on the way home, that is when I lost it. How can this be the memorial to the life of my daughter? It can't be. There is no memorial that man can make that would equal her beauty. There is nothing that can really capture or accurately depict the love we hold for her in our hearts or her thoughtful inquisitive personality.
No a proper memorial would have to be something living, something organic, something exquisitely beautiful. As I drove, a thought came to me. My life ... I could make of my life a proper memorial to her. This task seems daunting. And yet, I know with the Savior's help it is possible. I hope that at the end of my life, I will feel I have indeed lived a life worthy of a memorial to the life she did not get to live. I hope in the end both the Savior and Camille will be pleased with this work I create of my life.
On the way home I stopped by Trader Joe's. It has been a long time since I was last there. I needed my fix on my favorite items there. I walked in to see these staring right at me:
Can I say I love Joe and his trading abilities. Where else do you find beautiful tulips in October for $6.99 a dozen? I bought a couple bunches and took them home. If I could, I would fill my house weekly with beautiful tulips. They are as beautiful and lovely, as organic and free spirited, as independent and driven as my sweet daughter Camille.
I love that tulips all grow in their own way. It makes them look like individual discoverers. Each finding its own path to the light. If anyone has seen some fake tulips as beautiful as these, let me know. That is what I want to fill the vase next to her name plate.
I loved these pink ones with the frayed edges. So feminine. One more shout out to Trader JOE!