Friday, August 1, 2008

Learning to Walk

Sabrina with Me holding Camille up.

Seven weeks. Seven weeks ago tonight was the hardest night of my life. It was the first of many days and nights that redefined the word "hard" for me. I feel like I should be more functional than I feel after so many weeks. Still, I feel partially functional at best and sometimes, I feel totally nonfunctional. 

Today I have been fighting the "if onlys." I woke up to the pounding of the construction workers building the house next to us.  If only they had been building the house that day ... they have a great view of our backyard. 

If only the rest of my life were smooth sailing, I could handle the burden of this loss. If only my kids always obeyed. If only we could retire today and not have to worry about making money. If only I could focus enough to figure the bills. If only I didn't have to live in the real world full of real everyday issues, then I could shoulder this cross better. Maybe then I could learn to walk without falling down.

In the first month, I was carried quite literally through this. I could feel the presence of heaven so strongly in our home. As time wears on, the veil grows thicker and I have to start using my own two feet to walk this road of life. 

For so long I carried my baby girl Camille. 
Now it is she who carries me.

I marvel at the Pioneer women who lost their babies along the trail and had to leave them in shallow graves by the wayside. How did they do it? How did they bear such sorrow? The answer is faith. Their faith caused them to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk on. One step at a time, mile after mile they walked. Every step taken in faith. Every step taking them further from the remains of their little one. Every step taking them closer to Zion. 

I hope I can pull myself together better and follow their example. I want to be able to pull my own weight and walk even when the road slopes uphill. I am grateful for so many whose love lifts me in the hardest hours. These are the helping hands that steady me as I learn to walk again.

This has been a day of laughter and tears. My husband thought no one would respond to my last post. I am so glad he was wrong. The funnies have helped me dry my tears today and put a smile on my face. Some of my favorites were the two about the autistic kids and the you tube clip of The Office Jim pranks. Jon has also been enjoying the funnies. Thanks.