Thursday, June 19, 2008


There are certain trials in life that force you into coping mode.  While, this trial makes every other trial in my life seem like a cake walk, the coping mechanisms for trials are the same.

What I AM doing.

Surrounding myself with loved ones.
Keeping busy,
Reading scriptures, conference talks, etc... lots  ... alone, with Jon, and with the girls
Praying ... lots and lots ... as individuals, a couple, and a family
Allowing myself 15 minutes each morning and night to cry in my closet and just let all the hurt out.
Trying to get back to normal life -- (went to pilates today)
Loving and cherishing my kids
Talking to my kids about Camille
Repenting ... Sincerely ... Every day  -- to ensure I am as pure as Camille is pure
Going to the temple
Trying to keep my mind firmly on today and not let it wander to last Friday
Trying to learn and grow all I can from this loss

What I am NOT Doing ...
Asking why me.  I don't believe in that question.  
Isolating myself 
Crying with every person who comes over, even if They cry on My shoulder
Blaming -- not me, not any member of my family, and NOT God
My dishes (thanks family ;)
Cooking (thanks my sisters in the gospel)
Writing my talk for the funeral (been blogging instead)
Dressing Camille -(thanks Moms)- want to remember her how she looked before the autopsy 
Pulling away from my husband
Being angry or feeling life is unfair

Well I think I better change one of those.  Better move the "writing my talk for the funeral" up to the "DOING" list.  

Good night and again THANK YOU for your support and all those prayers from all of you known and unknown.  I REALLY feel their strength pulling me through each day and especially each night.  I am frankly overwhelmed by all this loving support.

Feeling the Weight of my Lightened Load

Our Family
June 7, 2008
This is one of the family pictures taken of us last week.  It is not the best picture of us.  I think Jon and I slept about 4 hours a night for 3 nights before this.  All of us were staying in a 10' x 12' bedroom.  Yes, all six of us.  And we are from Vegas, where in June it is summer.  This vacation we were in Utah at Aspen Grove and it was 40 degrees everyday.  The morning of this photo it was snowing heavily.  My kids were not happy about having to shed their coats for the photos. It was 11 a.m.  An hour past Camille's nap time and right at Lauren's nap time.  Plus both Sabrina and Annie could have used a nap after their late nights waiting for Lauren to quiet down to let them sleep and early morning waking with Camille's cry at 5 a.m.

Personally, I was on the verge of losing it in this photo.  Sleep deprivation does bad things to people.  I know.  I have experience in that department more now than ever before.  With four young kids, I often felt overwhelmed.  I struggled juggling with the youngest two--trying to Lauren the attention she needed and still take care of all Camille's immediate needs and cherish the moments she was in.  I wanted to just hold her and rock her because she was so little and I knew she wouldn't stay little forever.  I didn't want to miss her first step, which she just started doing last week.   She wasn't so busy yet that she wouldn't let me just hold her and love her.  She would snuggle against my chest and wrap her little arms around me.  She loved the attention and being held.  

But I still had Lauren, who was still trying to find her place in our family now that she wasn't the baby.  That was a hard transition for her.  And I was trying to give her all the attention she needed.  I was the third kid in my family.  My younger brother's were identical twins.  As soon as they came along, well, let's just say I was attention deprived as a child and did all I could to get attention.  Our family videos are filled with my parents telling me to move out of the picture.  That it wasn't my birthday etc...  So I wanted to give Lauren the positive attention so she wouldn't have to act crazy to get it.  It was a difficult juggling act most of the time.

Lately, I had been seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  Lauren and Camille had been playing together more.  Camille was finally old enough to play a game or two.  Lauren had been playing better with Ann Marie as well.  Lauren was finally old enough to get Annie's games.  Once in a while I felt like maybe I could have another kid someday.  Three had been easy for me.  Four felt overwhelming, but I knew it would get better and it was getting better.

Now I am back to taking care of three.  And Lauren is not acting out for attention anymore. The girls all play well together most of the time.  Three is easy.  Three is easy and yet Only Three is so so hard.