Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Heavy

Tonight I am cranky. I haven't felt well all day. My mind is tired of all the political garb. My heart is heavy. My heart always feels heavier when my mind is tired. 

So tonight's post is for me. Tonight, I need my own daily scoop.

There is one trainer at my pilates studio who is brutal. She works me out hard. She pushes me to my limits. There are many times when I am doing the exercises she asks of me and about half way through the session my muscles begin to shake. They are so tired and worn that I cannot stop them from shaking. Other times I get to a point where my muscles simply will not do what I ask them to do. They are incapable of the movement required of them. 

At the same time, I have seen great growth in my strength and abilities as I have worked with this trainer. I can see my muscles taking more shape and there are exercises that I couldn't do at first that now I can do. All the while, we are increasing the difficulty and weight during our training.

Sometimes I feel that my life is like this. The weight of this grief seems constant on me. But week by week I am stronger. At first there were SO many things I simply could not do. They added weight to my load. But the longer I have carried this weight the more steady I feel under its weight. 

Still there are times when the stresses of life increase the difficulty or weight of my load by incremental degrees. Suddenly I am enormously aware of the entirety of the weight. There doesn't ever seem to be a time that I can put down the load and let my muscles take it easy. Some days it is all I can do to stand on my shaking legs and not allow them to buckle underneath me. 

I feel gimpy for the shaking. It is as if someone has just handed me a dictionary to hold and suddenly I am shaking under the weight. I could have carried a few dictionaries with ease in the days before. But my muscles are still so tired from the elephant I have strapped to my back that suddenly this dictionary seems unbearably heavy. And so I shake and eventually I give it away or drop it.

I guess I can try holding dictionaries later. For now I am only able to carry paper back books.

I am going to go soak myself in a tub and try to clear my mind of all the issues spinning themselves in circles in there. Maybe if I can clear my mind of extraneous worries, I can center myself once more. I can remind myself to breath in and out. I can remember to keep looking for the joy all around me and try to engage it in my life.
 

16 comments:

Sleepless In St. George said...

I would love to walk beside you and carry the dictionary for you...yet I know that I can only do as the trainer and support you! We pray for you daily!

Kathryn_m said...

If only everyone who loved you could take an ounce of weight from that elephant, your load would be so much lighter.

Alas, the weight is borne from within and it pains.

Rejoice, the weight is borne from within and it strengthens.


I have faith that your muscles will endure and your legs will once again be secure in your journey.

Allowing yourself time to rest and regroup is a good first step to restoration. I hope the tub-soak felt marvelously refreshing.

I love you, Stephanie.

kathryn_m

Meliss said...

As I was reading this post I couldn't help but leave a comment. Hope it's okay. The first things that came to mind was things that are going on in my own life right now. I feel like you do with the weight and the books. I know that we may not share the same problems or worries but I'm been feeling weight lately. Thanks so much for your post. I NEEDED IT!! I know that the Lord will help you and me as well. At times I wish I could take the worries and burdens away but I just can't. I know that the Lord is aware of everything and is there. A scripture that comes to mind from the Bible is Matthew 11:28-30. The Lord is willing to take our yoke upon him and take our burdens away. I'll pray for you this night and in the coming days.
Thanks so much for your posts. They bring insight and inspiration to my life in different ways. You are so amazing! Hope things get better for you.

Davis family said...

You are in our prayers.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could take some of that weight away from you. You are growing stronger each day. The scripture quoted above says everything. The Lord is with you each and every moment. I pray for you and your beautiful family each day and find myself thinking about you throughout my day! And CONGRATS on your great news! Camille is up there teaching this new angel all She/He needs to know about you and your family! Stay Strong!

Anonymous said...

I'm wishing that elephant starts turning into a mouse. One that nibbles and tickles you with beautiful memories of Camille, but is not strong enough to bite too hard.

Sending love and hugs from far away,

Jane

Jennie said...

There is not much that I can say to help you feel better, other than I am sorry. I hope that you can take some comfort in knowing many are praying for your burdens to become light. My prayers are still with you and your family.

Noorda Notebook said...

i'm sad steph to see you going through such hard trials. you have such good perspective on everything but still i wish the burden could just be taken from you. we pray for you and love you! i hope today's and easier day and that you get a little break from the world.

Maggie May said...

a hot soak is a lovely thing.

i hope you feel better afterward.

Heidi said...

I hope it helps and you feel better soon!

Amanda said...

I have also been feeling the weight, though, my problems are not the same they still weigh me down. I think that we all feel like we can't go on at times. But somehow miraculously we do, we endure because there is nothing else to do but endure. We grow as people and we become stronger.

"That which dosn't kill us, only makes us stronger"

You are also in my prayers.

a.k.a. Jack said...

Hang in there, Steph. We love you.

Anonymous said...

God gaves us memories so we could have roses in December.
You are loved.

Mel said...

Good luck; I hope you feel better soon.

Carrie said...

Stephanie~ Do you know that a day doesn't go by that I don't think of you and how you are doing? Well, now you do, and I mean it. I don't even know you and yet every day you are in my thoughts. I am crying for YOU right now. I know you have MANY people supporting you through these days, but I wish SO VERY MUCH that I could do something for YOU. I check your blog daily (sometimes more than once), I re-read old posts, and all the while it is YOU who are strengthening ME. How is that? Why is that? I guess I am just feeling very sad that you are sad and I wish so deeply that I could inspire and uplift you for a change. I worry also that this blog is a burden for you. I know you've said before it isn't, but I still worry. As always, PLEASE, PLEASE, know that although I don't know you, I think of you and pray for you daily. All my love and eternal thanks,
Carrie

Michele said...

You are definitely not alone in how you feel. The valleys are the killers, but the peaks are on the horizon.
Thanks for the great description of your feelings. It applies to me and to so many and you put it into words. That helps a lot.
Hot fudge sundaes do wonders. They bring back your kid feelings. I highly recommend that you have one as soon as possible!
With love, Michele