Thursday, August 7, 2008

The Scoop behind the Scoop

In honor of the 200,000 hit, 100,000 unique visitors, and 50,000 returning visitors, I want to share the real story of why I started this blog.

Let us go back in time (Oh if only I really could). It is mid April 2008. I am in a serious funk. You know those times in motherhood where you feel like your life is just one dirty diaper after another? Yeah. Don't get me wrong. I loved and appreciated my kids. Truly my cup was running over with joy in them, most especially the littlest who was too young to ever do anything naughty. I loved being a full time mother too. I just felt ... unidimensional? 

I am not sure I can describe exactly how I felt now any better than I could then. I can tell you that I have always been happiest when I have been very busy with lots of deadlines to meet. I work well under pressure and I work best when my plate is very full. If I only took 12 credits (4 classes) in a college semester, I would procrastinate studying and probably do very poorly. But if I took 18 credits (6-7 classes), I would get all As and Bs and be happier being busy.

Putting that type of personality into being a full time mom has been challenging for me, especially when I wanted by principle to avoid taking any job on me that would take away from my time with my kids.

I have always known I would have a career besides motherhood at some point. I even knew what I wanted to do with my life. The planner that I am, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. (The foreign ambassador to the Bahamas.) I love politics. I want to do something political with my career ... someday.

But I have lots of unrelated interests. I like to cook and bake. I love to write. I love traveling. I have always avoided doing anything with these interests because they did not contribute to my end goal -- politics. I didn't open an ice cream store because I didn't want to be a ice cream shop owner. That wasn't what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn't want to be a baker or a writer or a business person.

Still I felt like I needed something more in my life. I started adding classes to my kids schedule and signed up to start taking pilates. I was seeking things to fill my schedule that were compatible with motherhood.

Then one morning in late April I woke up at 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I am not a morning person. This was highly unusually for me. I got in the bathtub to help myself fall back asleep and get a little more rest before the kids woke up at 8. 

As I sat there in the bath, I thought about my life. I thought about who I was in high school. I sang and danced and golfed and played the piano and was in numerous clubs. No one who knew me now would guess I did any of those things. I was a totally different person then. 

Next I thought of my life in college and my 20s. I was focused on school and politics and public relations and journalism and law school and criminal law. No one who knew me then knew about my high school interests. I was a different person in my 20s than I had been in my teens.

Last, I thought about my life now. I am the mother of four girls. That is where I stopped. I didn't have all these varied facets to my life as I had in the past. I was a totally different person now than in my 20s or my teens. 

Then I had what was to me a revelation. 

Insert angels singing and light streaming down from heaven. 

I could be more than one thing in my life. I didn't have to pick one thing to be when I grew up. I could be a different person every decade if I wanted to. I could be a lawyer in my 20s, something else in my 30s, another thing in my 40s and then go into politics in my 50s and be the ambassador to the Bahamas in my 60s. :)

Instantly I knew I needed to decide what I wanted to be in my 30s other than a mother. I had to be something that wouldn't take time away from my kids. I love writing. I needed to document my life better. That would contribute to my mothering, not take away from it. I could do it at night when the kids were in bed. It fit. My 30s would be my writing years. 

Until this point I had been anti blog. I was uncomfortable having so much information about myself out on the net. I had started a private blog before but found that few people check a private blog. I needed an audience to serve as my "deadline." 

In this revelatory moment, I just knew I needed to get over my fears and start a blog, an open to the public blog. I needed to practice my writing and try to do it everyday if I could. Then maybe, when my writing skills were sharpened, I would write a children's book or do some freelance journalism work.

That week, I set up and started www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com.

I had no idea then how grateful I would be for following that divine direction. Not only has this blog been a life line for me personally, but I have a few precious entries with and about Camille in the last 7 weeks of her life. I never dreamed, even after Camille's accident, that so many people would come and read what I wrote. I am still astonished at that. 

I was grateful to the Lord for this revelation then. It took me out of my funk. I am even more grateful for it now. It was one of many preparatory pillars the Lord, in His mercy, put in place to hold my life up when the hurricane of heartache would hit. I cling to those pillars now as treasures.  They stand as evidence of the Lord's love for me and His foreknowledge of this twist in the plot of my life.  

49 comments:

TLC said...

Hi.

I found your blog quite by accident - via another blog that I found by "accident".

First, let me express my condolences on your loss. Camille was (and still is) a beautiful child and she was/is lucky to have you as her mommy.

Second, I absolutely understand the whole "who am I, what am I doing" struggle. Like you, I was the go-getter in school. Journalism major. Law school grad (nope, not a lawyer...never passed bar. Long story, very boring).

I too started my blogs to just write and get my ideas down "on paper". It keeps me happy. It lets me vent. And it makes me feel good. I'm still writing...and I am my own editor.

Keep blogging. I promise we'll keep reading.

Danielle said...

I am so grateful that you started this blog! You have no idea how much you have taught me and how you have touched my life and encouraged me to be a better person. So many times when I read your blog, I feel the spirit. I still think about you, Camille and your family daily. I read your blog daily and I am so inspired by your words. I just told my mom the other day that I think you are going to be the General Relief Society President someday!!

www.adorn-jewelry.blogspot.com said...

It is so amazing the way the Lord can prepare things in our lives and put things in order. So many times we wonder why things happen or why we felt prompted to do a certain thing. It is only later, when we look back at our lives, that we see his wisdom. I believe that one day you will look back on Camille's death in this way and you will have understanding of God's purposes and reasons. I know I have had this type of clarity many times in my own life. I am so grateful that you have this blog. My heart just aches for you and I wish I could remove your pain. I am unable to do that and so I am so grateful for the things that you have that are lessening your pain or helping you get through it at least. Those would include this blog, your friend Brittany and others you have met through this experience, etc. I love you and admire you more than you know.
em

Liz's Blog said...

Like the thousands of people out there, I too am grateful that you started your blog. Your ability to write is amazing and a talent. Thank you for opening up your heart, your soul and your mind to help others out there.
I can't help but feel a little extra blessed to be your Visiting Teacher and be able to come see and visit with you and even nag you to start a blog! I will miss coming to the party tonight, but I can't wait to hear all about it!

Love you always!
Liz

Allie said...

Wow....chills-really. That's what I got while reading your blog. I feel the whole "Gee, what am I doing really". Problem is I do work-because I have to. It's hard though because it's not my "career" it's a "job" that works well with being a mom. But I too feel there is more I can do with my life but struggle because I don't want any more time away from my kids. Hmmmmm.....I'll have to ponder more about that now that you bring it up!:)
My chills were the part about Heavenly Father's "plan" for you and he really knowing and preparing. That's what part gave me the chills. And I'm happy to know that you will continue to write because I look forward to reading!

Soswift's said...

I am grateful (as are so many others) that you started this blog, though I am saddened at the loss of your beautiful Camille. I sometimes wish I could go back in time to change the path I've been on. You make a very good point that we can be many different things at different times in our lives. My children remember their "1st Mom" as the one that baked yummy cinnamon rolls and other homemade goodies. Their "2nd Mom" went to work, so those memories of her vary between spending more time in the car and eating more fast food. Now, as I enter my "3rd Mom" stage, I get to be a grandma, babysitter, and sometimes just a tired old lady. Thank you for reminding all of us of our changing seasons and I hope someday you get to be an ambassador in the Bahamas.

Getting Slim Chick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacy said...

I have the feeling too that I need to be doing something more with my life, but I don't want a job that takes away time from my daughter. I know I need and want to be in my home with her. I am very thankful I've run across your blog. Does it worry you that there may be bad people reading your blog? That's the only thing that keeps me from not making my blog public. I don't know if you've ever heard of the book "A Thomas Jefferson Education" by Oliver Van Demille but I definetely recommend it!

The Morris Fam said...

I love your blog...and the whole world of blogging for that matter...I love all of the connections, with strangers, family, neighbors and close friends...Does that mean I have a blogamony??? j/k :) I love that I can really understand a fraction of what you may be going through, something I wouldn't be able to understand in the halls at church and in passing. This view into your life has and will continue to help me in the future to "see afar off" as my institute teacher Brother Fotheringham always said...for it's not if but when the challenges come. Your insight has strengthened me in dealing with whatever I may be asked to face. It's beautiful to see that you know where the true source of comfort and peace amidst the storms is.... What a miracle this medium of communication is. Thanks for putting your self "out there." I appreciate it!
Julie

Kevin and Jamie said...

So with that being said...I think you have touched so many of us through your writing. I am sure that Heavenly Father saw how many of us you would reach when He gave you this revelation. Thank You for listening, thank you for writing.

Nathaly said...

Hi Stephanie.

I found your blog through a friend and have been reading it for over a month. I've never commented because I just didn't know what to say. I have cried and mourned your loss many times as I've read your words. I've also been uplifted and inspired by your unbelievable strength. I think it's amazing the way our Heavenly Father prompted you to start this blog. It's incredible that it started as a completely different kind of "daily scoop" than it has ended up as. Now it's a daily scoop of inspiration and has given many (including myself) the motivation to be "better" in one way or another. It's really a testament of Heavenly Father's love for you, that he provided you with this avenue to express your feelings, and in return, you've been able to receive love, strength, and friendship from complete strangers. How comforting also to know that as difficult as Camille's passing was, it has changed lives. Thank you for taking the time each day to share your experiences. I was especially touched by your post about self worth. I struggle with knowing my talents and what Heavenly Father wants me to do with them. In your case, I'd say it's pretty clear that Heavenly Father gave you a talent for writing for a reason. I hope you continue this blog for a very long time. I can't express to you how much reading it has changed me.

Thank you again,
Nathaly

noorda notebook said...

that's cool. i had no idea about the background of your blog - i just knew i loved reading it and getting a scoop of steph ice cream every day.

can't wait for tonight!

Farnsworth Family said...

As always, you did an excellent job of putting to words what so many mothers are feeling. I recieved an email today with the following link

http://pixiesplace.com/trainride/

When you get a second, take a look. It describes how our life is like a train ride...we get on, we get off, and we get on again in search of another adventure. As we ride the train, we meet many different people, some who have more impact on our lives than others. We never know when a passenger, including the person sitting right next to us (your dear, sweet Camille) will decide to get off.

Kelly said...

I am a friend of Carolyn's, and I am a long time silent reader of your blog. I silently read your words every day. Somedays tears silently stream down my face because my heart aches for you and your family. I silently ponder your eloquent words and I feel the spirit so strongly through your testimony you share.

Your post today was just what I needed. I too am in my thirties and mother of two little girls (almost 3 and 15 months). Before I was married and started a family I had a career for almost 9 yrs. I am an RN. I enjoyed my career. I worked up until the day before my first daughter was born.

Then I began my next career, Motherhood. I absolutely love being a mother and taking care of my family, but lately I have felt like I have lost myself in all the daily routine tasks. I have been thinking of things I can do just for myself, so that I am not in a funk. I think to be the best mother I can be I need to have time to develop myself. Thank you for sharing your great perspective on so many things. Sometimes in the silence the spirit can allow the heart to ache, feel, learn, heal and grow.

I want to tell you from one mother's heart to another how deeply sorry I am for your loss. Camille's beautiful life lives on as you keep her memory alive. I pray that you and your family feel our Savior's loving arms around you during your hardest moments.

Kara Jayne said...

Wow, wow, wow. It's all I can say to this post. Because I have felt THE EXACT SAME WAY.

I too was/am one of those "better when I'm busy" types too.

What amazes me even more is how similar our thought processes were at the same time. I wrote this (http://crazygoodlife.blogspot.com/2008/04/13-life-crisis-or-should-we-say.html) post two days after your first post. I had been thinking about it for a while and it sounds like we were thinking similar things.

Another funny thing is that my thoughts came to me in the tub too. I call it my "think tank"!

Laura said...

I, like so many others am glad you have this blog as well.
I come here everyday and pull strength from your faith. You have inspired me to live more like Christ and your story reminds me to hold tight and cherish every last second with my three beautiful children.
I believe Camille is in heaven smiling down (perhaps in her kiddie cup drawer) amazed that her tiny self brought this group of women together to live and learn and grow in faith.

Just me! said...

I love your words of wisdom. Some days I am suffocated with the demands of my children. I start to get resentful and want 'me time' more and more. I have worked full-time (as a nurse) for the last 11 yrs. I insisted that I work because that was my time to be 'me'. I wasn't anyone's mom. I had to be responsible but that was when I was clocked in. I was okay with that. The last 6 months I realized that I can't work full-time and be a mother of 3 children anymore. I can't do both. I cut back my hours at work and have stayed home more. I have had to learn how to find 'me' amongst being a mom. Some days I do okay and other days I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and roll away.

I like your attitude. I am starting to realize I don't have to put myself on hold until my children are older to enjoy being 'me'. If I did that, I probably wouldn't know who 'me' is by that time anyway. Thanks for your post. Im not alone.

Heidi said...

Like you and many other commenters, I know exactly how you feel. Who knew blogs would come into existence and then turn into such a wonderful outlet and supportive network for us all? I didn't, but I'm so thankful it did!

I'm also grateful you had divine direction to do this. Someday you'll find out how much you've touched so many people.

Also, I completely understand that you "needed an audience to serve as my "deadline."" That's exactly why I did a public blog, too. I knew I would need that motivation that people are visiting to keep me doing it on the days when I didn't feel particularly clever or inspiring. :)

Thanks for doing it, Stephanie! And I'm glad it's been such a wonderful blessing and comfort to you.

(And congrats on 200,000!)

Shawna Wilson said...

Isn't it amazing to look back and realize the Lord really was preparing us for our future trials? I'm always thinking that way - what if I could go back three months and see what was going on in the future, see how many small decisions I made that day actually affected my future. What would I change and what would I think of myself? It's an interesting view to look at and as I think in that mindset, I try to be a better and Christlike person. I try to open my heart and listen to the promptings of the spirit that I so often brush aside. Your writing helps me do that, to remember our purpose to life when we are in a "funk." Once again...thank you for your inspirational thoughts.

connie said...

I was told about your blog from a best friend in the ward. I've been reading most of the day. Bless your heart. I so appriciate your faith and endurance. More power to ya. Ill keep checking in. Who knew such a tiny little girl and her mama could be awesome missionaries? :)

hey, can you post that recipe for the sprinkle cookies. They are smiles on a plate I tell ya

Heidi said...

Okay, sorry about commenting again... But I had to add I feel exactly the same way about not wanting to do anything that takes time away from being a mother. And sometimes I wonder if I should keep blogging, but the documentation is so priceless and the writing so fun--I think it helps me be a better mom. So, it's neat to see others feel the same way and came to the same conclusion. :):)

Jenny said...

I can totally relate too. Earlier this year I felt so much like you did. I felt like I needed to do something for myself. Every time I started to do anything I felt guilty. I will never forget Elder Ballard's talk last April. The whole talk was so good but the quote that really stuck with me was this,
"find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests...Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children"
For the first time I felt like I could do something for myself without feeling guilty. I'm so glad to read about other mothers who are realizing this too!

By the way, I continue to draw strength from you everyday. I don't know you but I think about you daily. I hope you feel at peace.

Oh and I love SYTYCD too! I wish I lived in Las Vegas and that I knew you well enough to party with you! No one out here in Pennsylvania will watch it with me :( Have fun tonight!!

Catherine said...

I love this entry, and it sure doesn't seem as if your writing needs much practice.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers every day.

jolene0126 said...

Congratulations on your numbers! You were truly called to do this blog. I am one of the many who would have loved to find you when I was in the midst of my pain. I know you are helping so many. I would love to see your writings in book form. They could help countless women. Keep moving forward. I know Camille is so proud of you! :)

Laura said...

Please keep blogging because you inspire me everyday to do better and to have a little more faith. I enjoy your writing and find you to not only be so inspiring but entertaining as well. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious, beautiful daughter but I know she is an angel looking over you. I also know that you will be with her again. Thank you for your words of inspiration and daily entertainment!

**THE SUMMERHAYS CREW** said...

Please keep writing! I don't even know you but I love your posts. You have no idea the inpact you have had on my testimony (For the better of course). I have had friends who are not LDS, or less active friends read your blog and you have truly inspired them through your testimony and your writing. The internet is a powerful tool for the gospel when used correctly and you have provided so many people the opportunity to see that, so thank you! I feel ya on the whole what to do with my life thing. I am only 25 and a mother of one, but I am constantly trying to find a hobby or something that makes me, ME! I am a dance teacher here in town and I absolutely LOVE teaching to those beautiful little girls. Something about it gives me the confidence that I am hopefully making a difference in someones life. So, keep on keeping on and PLEASE continue to blog, blog, blog!
I totally don't even know you, but look forward to your posts everday!

-Jessica

Darleen said...

Well, I must say I learned a little about you that I didn't know--pre-college that is. I'm so glad you started and have continued to post on your blog. I know it has been theraputic and it let me think of Camille daily. Miss her.

Cynthia and Bryan said...

So I know you have said that you like things that make you laugh...so I thought you would be interested to read my last post. Hope it makes ya smile, you're doing great !

janelle said...

I hope one day this blog gets published. I think it could reach many more out there who need it!!

Hollyween said...

I found your blog through Shauna... who linked it in her latest post.

I've been pouring over it for the last hour and sobbing and crying and sobbing again. My little girl, Faith is nearly 14 months and I think that is just one of the reasons I am so struck by it all.

I've been having one of those mom times lately where everything just seems about wiping bums, picking up and making meals. And I've been feeling down about it. Like I need to get out. I was so grateful 5 minutes ago for my baby waking up with a fever. Grateful... rather than sad or whatever. Grateful I got to hold her and kiss her and feel her warmth in my arms.

And I'm grateful to YOU for this clarity. And I don't know you, but I will pray for you and your family.

Camille is a gorgeous child. She's blessed to have you as her mother. Eternally...

Michelle, Austin, TX said...

I feel as I am repeating someone else's words.

First and foremost, I would like to extend my condolences for the loss of your daughter.

Next, I would like to thank you for sharing your life with us. I found your blog on another blog as well and I am more Blessed because of it. I feel like you inspire so many people with the words you write and the Faith you have. I have read everything you have written, both the good and the bad, I have laughed and cried with you.

Please know that you have touched so many people in so many ways and I hope that you continue to do what you do so well.

Chuck & Mindi said...

I also found your blog by chance. It was mentioned in a comment on another blog of a mother in Texas who recently lost her 18 month old in a drowning as well. I have read through your blog and have been inspired by you. I have been touched by your testimony and strengthened by it. I noticed that you have reached out to that mother in Texas as well and I am greatly touched by that. She needs someone who completely understands and has been through it. I hope you can be of comfort to her, as I hope you had/have someone there to comfort you. Thanks for all you share. You are an amazing woman who I am sure Camille is VERY proud of!
Mindi- Las Vegas

Lindsey V said...

I think it is amazing how many people visit your blog. (Me being one of them.) I have seen other people's blogs (who I don't know) who have lost a child or family member and, though I feel deeply saddened for their loss, as I do for yours, I have never gone back to read posts later on.

But their is something different about you. And your writing. It is amazing! It brings us all in to feel exactly what you're feeling. You also have an amazing ability to explain things about the gospel that I could never think up on my own. It really is so inspiring, and I want to read it everyday.

I especially loved your post about the veil and missing our Heavenly Parents. I loved it as applied to our Heavenly Parents and I also applied it to my dad. He died of cancer when I was a baby and I never knew him. The last ten years or so I have been having a hard time wondering why I didn't get to have him with me during my time on earth. I don't see any good that came of his death. Your post eased my pain a little. Maybe I would miss him more if I did know him. Unbearable, as you said. Thank you for your insight.

For some reason you have an audience of thousands. And we are all waiting to hear what you have to say.

Kim said...

I am sitting here in tears and in awe. I have just spent the last few hours reading your blog. I was suppose to go to bed "early" tonight, as I have to teach at a conference bright and early in the morning.

I also know that I was meant to come here. See, I am a photographer from Utah. When I was just beginning my career, I shadowed Heather Gibb, and have been a reader of her blog off and on throughout the last few months. I remember when she posted the photos of your family, and then the week later, the post she did of Camille's passing. I was going thought my "Favorites" list tonight, as hit has grown and grown and I hardly ever look at my old "Favorites". Well, I as I was clicking through, I came across a post on someone's blog linking to your blog. It was a simple post, no pictures...just some words. I don't know why I would have come here...but I am about to tell you why.

See, I lost a baby in March of this year. I was seventeen weeks pregnant. My heart has ached and hurt and my faith tried and grown since that time. Well, to make a VERY long story short...my husband and I were chosen by a birthmother who wants to place her baby with our family. Last week, she was having a very difficult time...so much so I was doubting the witness of Father as to whether or not this tiny spirit, this special daughter was meant to come to our family. My husband and I made it to the temple, and through quiet witness, and words that cannot be uttered even in such a sacred place, I knew that Father in Heaven was TELLING me that indeed this special girl was meant to come to our family.

Well, today, tonight we went out with our birthmother again. And again after leaving her...I came home and was feeling like maybe this wasn't right. Like perhaps this tiny spirit isn't meant to come to our family. I hadn't realized until just a few moments ago why I have been guided here. You see, we desire to name this sweet baby Camilla. I don't know WHY I didn't notice the connection...just like last week when Father in Heaven was SCREAMING at me...such a simple, simple thing.

You don't know me...but you have helped my heart. Helped me to remember the tiny life that I helped to create who returned home to watch over us in March...and also this sweet girl who is watching from above, waiting and screaming in her own way for ME to be strong, to not doubt and to have faith because she longs SO very much to be a member of our family...to be SEALED to us forever.

It has been worth my not sleeping to have felt these feelings. To receive another witness that He is watching over us.

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

So true, Stephanie. My ex-work colleagues still can't believe how different I am now to what I was 10 years ago.

A mystery parcel will be on the way to your girls soon...

Love to you and your's,

Jane

Amanda said...

Stephanie- I LOVE your blog! You have such a gift. You are helping so many who are hurting is so many differetnt ways (now and in the future). I truley feel your blog is perparing me (and many many more) for future trials (what every they may be). You are grooming so many- so when our trials are to much to take we will remeber your faith, sweet spirit, honesty, good works, dedication to the Lord and your family. Truley you are serving His purpose....His plan her on this earth. Your blessings will be/are going to be awesome. We still pray/fast for you Stephanie! Hang in there.

Michele said...

Hi Stephanie!
I am a mother of three daughters from Riverside, California. I heard about you and Camille in comments on a friend's blog. First, thanks SO MUCH for sharing your moments of strength (I know they are MOMENTS, that's how I have them too.). Second, my love and virtual hugs go to you in this painful time. Third, just look at all your sweet baby is accomplishing for good already! So many people have been and will be blessed by her brief stay here on earth. I'm sure she knew before she came here just what her mission was, and how quickly she fulfilled it. What a sweetheart! Nearly three years ago I was blessed with a perfect child of my own. My Natalie was born with Down Syndrome. I call her my foreign exchange student from the celestial kingdom. Spirits like hers and Camille's are TRUE disciples of Christ, as they have given their lives completely to blessing the rest of us in our imperfections. Though I don't know how it feels to lose a child, I do know how it feels to be in an "exclusive club," where the general public has no idea how you really feel. I went to an activity at church when Natalie was a few weeks old (my first since her birth) and I had some people literally stare at my face then walk away,not knowing what to say to me, I suppose. I wish they had tried, at least. Thankfully for me,I had not a moment of panic at realizing she had Down Syndrome, but a sweet palpable feeling of great peace. I had many spiritual experiences both before, during, and after her birth, letting me know how special she is. I'm sure you have your own with Camille. I was even prompted to pray for a perfect child. What a gift Natalie is, and Camille was. Truly little pieces of heaven. How our Heavenly Father trusts us with these precious beings,I may never know.
You have a fabulous Friday!!! Little girls rule!! Thanks for sharing and uplifting me.
Love, Michele Wilcut

Michele said...

Hi Stephanie!
I am a mother of three daughters from Riverside, California. I heard about you and Camille in comments on a friend's blog. First, thanks SO MUCH for sharing your moments of strength (I know they are MOMENTS, that's how I have them too.). Second, my love and virtual hugs go to you in this painful time. Third, just look at all your sweet baby is accomplishing for good already! So many people have been and will be blessed by her brief stay here on earth. I'm sure she knew before she came here just what her mission was, and how quickly she fulfilled it. What a sweetheart! Nearly three years ago I was blessed with a perfect child of my own. My Natalie was born with Down Syndrome. I call her my foreign exchange student from the celestial kingdom. Spirits like hers and Camille's are TRUE disciples of Christ, as they have given their lives completely to blessing the rest of us in our imperfections. Though I don't know how it feels to lose a child, I do know how it feels to be in an "exclusive club," where the general public has no idea how you really feel. I went to an activity at church when Natalie was a few weeks old (my first since her birth) and I had some people literally stare at my face then walk away,not knowing what to say to me, I suppose. I wish they had tried, at least. Thankfully for me,I had not a moment of panic at realizing she had Down Syndrome, but a sweet palpable feeling of great peace. I had many spiritual experiences both before, during, and after her birth, letting me know how special she is. I'm sure you have had your own with Camille. I was even prompted to pray for a perfect child. What a gift Natalie is, and Camille was. Truly little pieces of heaven. How our Heavenly Father trusts us with these precious beings,I may never know.
You have a fabulous Friday!!! Little girls rule!! Thanks for sharing and uplifting me.
Love, Michele Wilcut

Heather said...

you are simply a m a z i n g... i truly feel your spirit every time i read your "daily scoop"

xoxo

Jackson Family said...

Hi I found your blog through a fried and I have to admit that I have been reading it for a couple weeks and I was just going to let all your words sink in and just keep observing but just recently my little girl would come over to me while I was on your blog and every time I went past a picture of your precious little girl that passed away my daughter would touch it and start talking to the picture. I wanted to let you know that I believe your daughter is watching over your family and you have made me appriciate my own baby and family more thank you so much!

Jessica Marie said...

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I linked to you!

Ann Melinda said...

Steph,
I relate so much to your comment about who you were at various stages of life, and how people who know you now would not recognize you in college, or in high school. You would not recognize me anymore. The sad part is that I don't know if I've changed for the better. I've really been struggling lately about how I should be happy about everything, but somehow it just doesn't happen. I keep telling my kids (when they whine) that happiness is a choice. I need to listen to that a little more, or maybe figure out how to do it. I'm glad that you found blogging to fill another need. I've been wanting to call you for a month but have never really had a moment. Chalk it up to having 5 kids under age 8. Anyway, I feel like I know you a little better than I would through your blog. I'm glad it's helped you. I'm looking for my outlet right now!

Memmott Family said...

I too like most have stumbled on your blog by blog searching. I read somewhere about your blog, so I clicked on it. I totally loved reading what you had to say.. the advice and thoughts you shared. My cousin just had a baby die, and I was caught up in your words of inspiration. I read mostly to the end. I love the lulluby's and songs. Please keep blogging. You have some very neat inspiration! Thank you for uplifing us all. Your little girl is beautiful!
Liz-UT
lizzers26 (AT) gmail(dot) com

Kenyon said...

You are an amazing writer! I love to read your blog. You dont know me, I found your blog through a friend of a friend. I enjoy your blog and have shed many tears reading your entries. I pray for you. I think great things are in your future, you are so talented.
With love

Anonymous said...

Bless you for being an example. I know that "suffering is part of the human experience" and I know that I too will face trials that may bring the same kind of unimaginable heartache that you've experienced....I fear that I'll be angry with God. I hope that I'm strong enough to see His Plan. Do you every feel angry?

God's Blessings to you!

Ann in Missouri

Janelle said...

WoW! You always express yourself so well. You posts make me stop and think about my life. I appreciate your honesty in your posts. You have been a blessing to many people through your diligence in posting everyday regardless of your challenges. You are truly AmAzInG!

julie said...

Stephanie, I just wanted to thank you for your blog. I read it daily and my husband often asks why I am so fascinated with someone's blog that I have not even met. I am fascinated with your strength, faith and your ability to put all of this into words. I know that you are only human and you have your dark times, but I am so thankful that you have been able to turn to our Heavenly Father and that you have let him carry you through this trial. Many people become angry or bitter by such trials, but you have taught yourself to feel the pain instead of cover it by anger, and I am so grateful for that. I am going to try to do the same whenever I feel angry. Thank you for this post. I did not realize that you started this blog before and I have really enjoyed reading your past entries. I will continue to pray for you and Brittany and your families.

Tracey said...

You are an amazing writer. This is one of the many gifts God has given to you. With every gift we are given, we have the opportunity to share with others. Thank you for sharing your beautiful gift of writing through your heart.

Bethany Hammond said...

Hi Stephanie,
I heard about your blog through my sister-in-law. Your words were really something that I needed to hear.
I have an eleven month old, and my patience was running thin today. Like you, I have always felt defined by my job or what "new" thing I was pursuing...your words inspired me to remember that each day is a blessing and that I can be a wonderful mother, while still pursuing and refining my own talents and interests. Being a "stay-at-home" mom was a big adjustment for me because I was so used to the verbal "good jobs" from my students (kindergarten teacher for ten years) that it seemed like now my efforts were going unnoticed. I have to remind myself that I am "the world" to one little girl that just can't communicate her love out loud yet.
I cried my eyes out as I read about Camille and the amazing strength that you have had during such a difficult time. You have always been an inspiration to me, and you still are!
My prayers are with your sweet family! You are right..Camille is with you always. I don't think any mother can deny that. She is a piece of you, and your souls are forever connected.