Friday, August 15, 2008

Concerns

Thank you all for your love and concern for me. Yesterday was probably the hardest day for me since the day after we found Camille. I really appreciate all your comments. I want to address some of your concerns for me.

First, the "burden" of the blog -- This blog is not a burden to me. I look at it as therapy/homework. I started the blog intending to write nearly everyday. The audience keeps me true to that. I like to write. 

Many who know me personally have asked me when my blog will stop focusing on my grief. My answer is, when I don't need it to anymore. Writing about my feelings makes me feel better. This has always been true for me. I have had some really good days in the last two months where I have written about things other than Camille and my grief. But I will keep writing about those subjects too as long as I need to get them out. I don't know how long that will be. I think it will be a gradual thing where the posts not about Camille become more frequent. We will see.

Second, as to my mental state :) I am doing much better today. I know the difference between sorrow/grief and depression. Most days I feel varying degrees of waves of sorrow. Some days I am not hit by any of these waves. Some days I am battered by these waves all day. Most days are somewhere in the middle with a wave or two a day and I am fine. 

Yesterday was a whole different animal. Yesterday I was depressed. But the source of my stress was not the burden of the grief alone. Bearing this grief is like carrying a weight around with you. It is incredibly heavy. It is never taken away. We are just made stronger to carry it easier, sometimes even without noticing. I still feel the weight of this burden. But it doesn't usually overwhelm me. 

Occasionally, big huge stressful things happen in life. You know the ones I am talking about -- illness, job loss, money problems, marital problems, family relationship problems, fight with a friend, etc. These happen all the time to lots of people and they just cause a lot of stress. Yesterday, I had a similar type of stressful situation with which to deal. It would have stressed me out and gotten me down under normal circumstances. But with the burden of grief already weighing on me, well it was just almost more than I could bear. That separate stress resolved itself favorably yesterday afternoon. Thank the Lord.

Here I have to say thank you to my mother and father. Their prayers for me gave me the strength I needed to pull myself up off the floor and carry on. Also a thanks to Mrs. Gallant whose heart boxes got painted yesterday by the girls and me. These little wooden boxes are so stylish now. And a thank you to my mother in law both for her continual prayers and for buying Hello Dolly and letting us watch it. Nothing can brighten a bleak day like singing and dancing to Hello Dolly.

As for the comment of the person who disagreed with the quote. Depression does not equal defeat. I am grateful I do not regularly have to battle with depression. I know so many people do. No, defeat is giving up the battle and letting the depression win. Defeat is physical or spiritual suicide. We must fight on with no talk of defeat. We must press forward steadfastly clinging to the hope we want to have when we can not see the Hope we need. Queen Victoria knew that depression can lead to defeat in battle. She would not let it win. 

Depression is a tool of the Adversary. I know many suffer with it everyday. I am all for doing whatever in necessary to pull free of it. The Lord wants us to have joy in this life. I don't begin to purport to understand what it is like to live with that everyday. For those of you who do--fight it and may the Lord bless you with success in your battle.

To those worried about me giving myself a break and taking time to let myself grieve. I am doing that as much as a mother can. My kids don't want a mopey crying all the time mom. They make me happy and I try to stay happy around them. I also take time for myself when I need it to just let it all out.

Lastly, I am creating a private blog for parents of little children who have died. Every person invited will be invited as an author. We will all be able to post our feelings to the other moms and dads and get support though comments. It is just different talking to those who really KNOW exactly what this feels like. I have found emailing some of these other moms very helpful. I am not including miscarriages and stillborn children parents in this blog. This is not to say those losses are less significant in any way. I just think it is the experience is a little different and I am limited on how many authors I can add on the blog. If there is great interest among those who have lost children in utero, let me know and I create a separate blog for that. I could be on that blog too. :)

If you would like to be involved in this separate private blog and have lost a young child, email me.

Loves to you all and Thank the Lord for a happier day today.

21 comments:

Stacy said...

I don't think you need/should stop posting about Camille. Writing helps me too, and if you feel closer to her when you write about her on your blog then write away...!!

kathryn_m said...

I envy your talent to find just the right words to express your heart. Perhaps "duty" was a better word than "burden" but the point is really made moot by the healthy perspective you hold - in no small part due to The Gospel.

What would we do without our families? I am so happy that yours is there for you in so many ways.

"Hello Dolly" sounds like it was just the right medicine.

I too am thnakful your day was better.

From my home to yours .. with love... kathryn_m

lorz family said...

Stephanie, I do not know you personally but have come to know you and your precious camille through this blog. I want you to know that as I am raising my twin boys(close to the same age as camille)I am at times overwhelmed. You have openend a new part of my heart. Now, I am not in such a rush to put them to bed like I was before, I have time for another story. I don't loose my patience when there is crying and tantrums, instead I thank Heavenly Father for every moment I have with them. Because of Camille I hold my babies a little tighter, they get a few more hugs and kisses each day, I find actual joy in cleaning up there messes and changing their diapers. I know this doesn't change your loss, but I just want you to know what a positive impact your little Camille has had in our home. Thank you, and your family is continually included in our family prayers!!

Cairen said...

Stephanie & Jonathon, Our prayers are with you both and your children.

Beverly B. said...

Keep it up. I think you're helping a lot of people. Your blog has helped me to keep things in perspective. I'm trying to do better with the cards that I've been dealt. I also hold my babies a little tighter and I have more patience with them.

Thank You!

Amanda said...

I read your blog everyday. I love your blog. I find strength in your blog. I am learning so much about dealing with trials and having great faith. I want to know your good days and your hard days. I love that you are so honest in your daily life. Our prayers are with you everyday!!! Hang in there!!!

Leslie said...

my sister recently told me about your blog. i am grateful for someone like you and your willingness to share true feelings about your grief.

i lost my husband about 8 months ago. the first few weeks, i couldn't even think about my blog. that is where i shared exciting and happy things... but then i realized that i needed a place to write about my feelings... as an outlet. i needed someone (or something) to talk to at 3:00 in the morning when i couldn't sleep and there was no one there. and so i started typing on my blog. i have since then, typed entries that were about regular things, but for the most part, i am sharing memories for my son to read later and also for the world to know what a great man has been taken from this earth. family, friends, and strangers alike are learning about the man i love and the heartache and heartbreak i continue to feel in this difficult trial. but they are also reading the things i am learning from this experience and seeing my good days and my bad days. then, in turn, they are able to share their love and support with me. it is helpful.

i understand completely why you are sharing your grief and wisdom with those who read your blog. it is TOTALLY therapeutic for me to write my feelings there for people to read. i keep some to myself for my personal journal, but i write a lot of what i feel so that people can understand a little better what i might be going through and maybe be a little more sensitive to someone they know who is going through something similar.
thank you for your words. it takes strong people going through difficult trials to inspire others.
you are inspiring.
thank you.
-leslie *
p.s. i am grateful beyond belief that we have the knowledge of eternal families.

Heidi said...

You describe things so well--it really helps me understand.

And write about Camille as long as you want to. I would do the same thing in your shoes. And as my husband is always telling me, "It's your blog. Write about whatever you want."

I also like your outlook on your blog being therapy/homework rather than a burden. I think it's therapy for a lot of us reading it, too. :)

Leslie said...

p.s. your family is beautiful and my hearts breaks for your loss. your baby is precious and beautiful.

Meliss said...

Stephanie,

I have been looking at your blog for awhile now and enjoy your entries. I know what you mean about writing down things and it being theraputic. I lost a nephew about 5 months ago the end of this month. I started a private blog and typed many feelings down on it. That blog has become a journal for me to write down different things and just get my thoughts and feelings out when I feel like I can't talk to anyone else. I have talked to Heavenly Father about many of the things though. I still think about him and what he would have been like. Thanks so much for your entries. Many of them have inspired me in different ways. I am not a mom yet and hope to be one in the future, so your blog has helped me realized what I need to be like. When of my great friends told me to write my feelings down even if I talked to someone about them. She said that it was a good therapy. I have found that I can express my thoughts better as well, so I enjoy writing things down. My regular blog doesn't have a lot of thoughts but my private blog does and I'm glad I have that one. Hang in there! When you smile the world wonders what's been up.

Anonymous said...

I really liked your story Stellilalagoogoos for children that you shared on the blog. I think that you should try to work with an illustrator and get some children's books published. I think that this would be a wonderful tribute to camille,and her sisters. I would also love to buy any childrens books that you would write. You are so creative and expressive in the images you create with your writing. I would love to see you do this. Is this something you would consider doing?
Here's hoping to attend the book signing for Stellilalagoogoos!

sumi said...

Hi Stephanie, and thank you so much for the invite. I am honored by it! Do I need to email you, or can you see my email in your comments?

Janae said...

This is a beautiful entry Stephanie. You do have such a talent for writing and addressing your comments perfectly. I loved the Queen Victoria quote, what an amazing woman she was. I also think your idea of another blog for others who are suffering through the same things is an amazing idea! So many are blessed through you and Camille:)

Joan said...

When a major health crisis changed our lives, extended family members were insistent that I needed anti-depressants to cope. I asked an LDS therapist who told me it is called "situational depression" and that it is normal. If the feelings continue for one year, then it is time to seriously address the need for medication. But the term "situational depression" has helped me face more recent sorrows and know that there is hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Gedge family said...

I, too, read your blog often and am inspired by your talent for writing. I am amazed at your strength and I think that it helps writing also. I lost a son in December 2006. I am sad that I didn't blog sooner, so that I could look back and see how I felt each day. How precious this blog will be for your children as they grow up to see how each day felt for you. I would love to belong to the private blog. Please let me know. Thanks again for your incredible journey.

Julie

Rosemary Edds said...

You should definitely keep posting about Camille. We really enjoy coming on here to read and I think that your doing a great thing coming on here and posting. Thanks so much and I would really be happy for you to keep doing what your doing! Love. Peace.

Jennie said...

I saw a beautiful quote on the walls of my friend's home the other day and I thought of you.
Today's trial is tomorrow's testimony"
Eventhough I haven't lost a child, I am grieving through a divorce of a 21 year marriage. Your words still touch me because we are all loved by our Heavenly Father and no matter what our trials are we can still feel his love. Your blog helps me realize this.

Thank-you.

Just me! said...

I am one of your biggest fans!!

Small and Simple said...

Stephanie,

I think I would like to be part of this other blog you are starting. my email address is stacierogers@hotmail.com.
my blog address is rogers4sofar.blogspot.com

I have commented once before. We lost our 8 week old baby girl the same week you lost Camille. Thank you for allowing such an opportunity.

Cassie Jo said...

Steph, you can add me to the blog for mother's who lost a child. Kolby was 16 1/2 months old. He passed away May 30th, 2008. Just a few weeks before Camille and he passed away the same way Camille did. I am really struggling still. It seems like it only gets harder.

Sherydon said...

I have read your blog a couple of times and found so much comfort and strength in your words. Like so many on your blog, i have not lost a child, i am dealing with the grievence of infertility. By reading your words, i have realized that my problems are minute. THank you so much for sharing your love of the lord and the gospel. While reading i have been thinking about a song that touches me called "The Test" by Janice Kapp Perry, its beautiful. You seem to have perfect, unwaverying faith. I only hope that i can have the faith and endurance that you exude!! Thanks, Sherydon
sherstuart@hotmail.com