2:30 am - fell asleep without the help of a sleeping pill (that is a first since the accident)
8:00 am - woke to Sabrina coming in to snuggle me - realize I am still living in this nightmare and there is no baby cry to get me out of bed.
8:15 am - roll out of bed to the ground to kneel in prayer - no tears yet this morning - still feeling strong, sad but strong
8:20 am - Jonathan comes in to get dressed (he works from home) we kneel together and talk about how we feel, how we slept, how much we love each other and how grateful we are for each other - the tears start here but i still feel strong - we pray together and make our bed
8:45 am - I put on my workout clothes and go downstairs to do my walking workout video - field phone calls about the "business" end of this while working out
9:30 am - finish working out, get a drink of water, family starts arriving - greeting family, fielding phone calls, I decide to have the whole family over to dinner and put myself in charge of organizing it - Call all the family for food orders, coordinate help coming in, check my email (comments lift me up and make me cry), email So You Think You Can Dance people to ask if the tickets they sent me yesterday for this Monday can possibly be delayed for a different week.
10:30 am - shower and get dressed
11:00 am - more family arrives from Texas - greet and finish up getting orders in for dinner
12:00 pm - play waitress for all the kids and cousins for lunch - eat my wonderful french dip beef sandwich leftover as my first meal of the day (thanks Bari)
12:30 pm - reading emails - discover Sabrina is emotional and sad, no one wants to play with her (ie I am sad about Camille but can't find a way to express it so I will make up another reason to be sad) - talk to her about fashion and ask her to pick out what I am going to wear to the funeral - finish email.
12:40 pm - go check out what Sabrina picked for me to wear and talk about what she is going to wear - decide we need to go shopping.
1:00 pm - put Lauren down for her nap, arrange kid care with Jon and family members and go shopping with Sabrina.
1:30 pm - not finding anything to wear for me - go to look for Sabrina
2:00 pm - find a dress and shrug Sabrina likes, she promises she will still like it tomorrow - welling up in the fitting room after seeing all the baby clothes and Sabrina noting which ones would look cute on Camille - Sabrina asks why my eyes are red - I tell her I miss Camille - she comforts me with hugs and tells me it is okay - she tries on the dress - it is beautiful and appropriate so we buy it
2:30 pm - we keep looking for me - no luck, no luck, no luck finally on our way out i find a dress that is black with white polka dots and is silky soft like Camilles favorite blanket - it is on sale for $40 - it fits but needs a camisole - go to lingerie to buy camisole and a new bra for post nursing sized chest - after an extensive search we find success and make purchases
(Meanwhile my mother and mother in law go dress Camille)
4:00 pm - arrive home- get mail - cute cards drawn for the girlies (thanks Phillip and Stephanie and girls) with fun stories, condolence cards for me and Jon, cards make me cry. More family arrives.
5:00 pm - more family arrives and more family arrives - food arrives for kids (thanks Autumn and Jason) and we feed kids grown up food arrives and we eat - find Sabrina in her room sad, locked doors, wanting to be alone, give more love.
7:00 pm - Say a family prayer - feel the love of all in the home - tears start flowing
7:30 pm - Watch slideshow of Camille photos made by my sister-in-law Elizabeth - Ann Marie breaks down in the middle of it, it is the first time she has cried about it - I take her out of the room and we cry together.
8:00 pm - family starts to leave, friends come and bring presents for the girls, they are happy again.
9:30 pm - friends leave, Jon goes to put the girls down to bed - not successful - I start to blog - Lauren comes down and goes back up to bed - Ann Marie comes down crying, I ask what is wrong as she snuggles up to me, she says "guess", I say "Camille", she nods - I hold her as she cries, her little sobs rumbling through her body as she wipes her eyes with her blankie - she wipes my tears with her blankie too. She asks if she can help me blog and snuggles up beside to read as I type. She corrects my typing errors as I go -- "It is blankie mama not blanket."
11:00 pm - time to take Annie back up to bed and help her fall asleep.