Friday, June 20, 2008

A Day in the Life


2:30 am - fell asleep without the help of a sleeping pill (that is a first since the accident)
8:00 am - woke to Sabrina coming in to snuggle me - realize I am still living in this nightmare and there is no baby cry to get me out of bed.
8:15 am - roll out of bed to the ground to kneel in prayer - no tears yet this morning - still feeling strong, sad but strong
8:20 am - Jonathan comes in to get dressed (he works from home) we kneel together and talk about how we feel, how we slept, how much we love each other and how grateful we are for each other - the tears start here but i still feel strong - we pray together and make our bed
8:45 am - I put on my workout clothes and go downstairs to do my walking workout video - field phone calls about the "business" end of this while working out
9:30 am - finish working out, get a drink of water, family starts arriving - greeting family, fielding phone calls, I decide to have the whole family over to dinner and put myself in charge of organizing it - Call all the family for food orders, coordinate help coming in, check my email (comments lift me up and make me cry), email So You Think You Can Dance people to ask if the tickets they sent me yesterday for this Monday can possibly be delayed for a different week.
10:30 am - shower and get dressed
11:00 am - more family arrives from Texas - greet and finish up getting orders in for dinner
12:00 pm - play waitress for all the kids and cousins for lunch - eat my wonderful french dip beef sandwich leftover as my first meal of the day (thanks Bari)
12:30 pm - reading emails - discover Sabrina is emotional and sad, no one wants to play with her (ie I am sad about Camille but can't find a way to express it so I will make up another reason to be sad) - talk to her about fashion and ask her to pick out what I am going to wear to the funeral - finish email.
12:40 pm - go check out what Sabrina picked for me to wear and talk about what she is going to wear - decide we need to go shopping.
1:00 pm -   put Lauren down for her nap, arrange kid care with Jon and family members and go shopping with Sabrina.
1:30 pm - not finding anything to wear for me - go to look for Sabrina
2:00 pm - find a dress and shrug Sabrina likes, she promises she will still like it tomorrow - welling up in the fitting room after seeing all the baby clothes and Sabrina noting which ones would look cute on Camille - Sabrina asks why my eyes are red - I tell her I miss Camille - she comforts me with hugs and tells me it is okay - she tries on the dress - it is beautiful and appropriate so we buy it 
2:30 pm - we keep looking for me - no luck, no luck, no luck finally on our way out i find a dress that is black with white polka dots and is silky soft like Camilles favorite blanket - it is on sale for $40 - it fits but needs a camisole - go to lingerie to buy camisole and a new bra for post nursing sized chest - after an extensive search we find success and make purchases 
(Meanwhile my mother and mother in law go dress Camille)
4:00 pm - arrive home- get mail - cute cards drawn for the girlies (thanks Phillip and Stephanie and girls) with fun stories, condolence cards for me and Jon, cards make me cry.  More family arrives.
5:00 pm - more family arrives and more family arrives - food arrives for kids (thanks Autumn and Jason) and we feed kids grown up food arrives and we eat - find Sabrina in her room sad, locked doors, wanting to be alone, give more love.
7:00 pm - Say a family prayer - feel the love of all in the home - tears start flowing
7:30 pm - Watch slideshow of Camille photos made by my sister-in-law Elizabeth - Ann Marie breaks down in the middle of it, it is the first time she has cried about it - I take her out of the room and we cry together.
8:00 pm - family starts to leave, friends come and bring presents for the girls, they are happy again.
9:30 pm - friends leave, Jon goes to put the girls down to bed - not successful - I start to blog - Lauren comes down and goes back up to bed - Ann Marie comes down crying, I ask what is wrong as she snuggles up to me, she says "guess", I say "Camille", she nods - I hold her as she cries, her little sobs rumbling through her body as she wipes her eyes with her blankie - she wipes my tears with her blankie too.  She asks if she can help me blog and snuggles up beside to read as I type.  She corrects my typing errors as I go -- "It is blankie mama not blanket."
11:00 pm - time to take Annie back up to bed and help her fall asleep.

Goodnight

24 comments:

Lauren Horsley said...

I am amazed at your strength - keep going, hang in there, and know that we are all behind you. Even though you don't know us, you are in a million prayers right now. The heavens are being supplicated by so many in your behalf.

Diane said...

I am thinking of your family every single hour. I pray that tomorrow will be a beautiful and peaceful day for you. Thank you for being so open. Our hearts are with you.

s & g said...

We are so glad your incredible family is all with you now and wish a beautiful peaceful day for tomorrow. What strength and grace you show Stephanie. I am positive Camille is smiling down on her loving family. I loved your coping post, you are truly an amazing mother, and a beautiful example.

We think about you and pray for you all daily. I can't even count the # of people I have talked to that are praying for you and your family. Sending much love...Gillespies

Wards said...

I don't know you or your family, but I found you through a friends blog. You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry to read of your tragedy. Your little girl looks so sweet. You have such a wonderful peace in your blogs, you seem amazing! I hearts go out to you all!

Deb said...

I am thinking of you today as my eyes well up with tears. You are a wonderful mother. I am praying for you today.

Beth said...

I have no words-only tears and prayers. Holding your family close in prayer-especially today. God bless.

kdskids said...

We are here for you and your family...if ever a distraction is needed, we would love to have you all over, or just take the girls to come and play.

Hugs,
Kathy Fairchild

Heather S said...

Dear Stephanie and Jon, We wanted you to know that we are thinking of you, crying for you, and praying for you today. I hope that everything goes smoothly....as you would want things for your Camille. She is so beautiful. Stephanie, I admire your strength and determination. I knew when we spent that time together(years back) that you were someone of great character, love, and determination. All these traits assist you now. Love, Steve and Heather

Jori said...

I am a friend of Darleens. I have been praying daily for you. I so admire your faith and determination. I know the Savior will lift you and comfort you. I am so thankful that we don't have to face trials alone.

Anonymous said...

Dear Waite Family:

Thinking of and praying for you this hour as you commit Camille's sweet soul to Eternal Glory.

I hope the service is everything you need it to be.

Stephanie - your testimony & faith are an inspiration to many. I hope you continue to take "alone time" to grieve and mourn your painful loss.

Heavenly Father allowed in His wisdom that which He could have prevented with His power.

What an awesome affirmation of His Plan for us!

Sending you love and prayers across the miles.....

Rach said...

The chaos will soon settle down but the prayers and love will continue. My heart hurts for your family.

Many many HUGS.

Rachael

The Morris Fam said...

I love your blog. I always gain great perspective about the simple insignificant issues I deal with. I think it is wonderful to read your words through this blog. Your faith is so apparent. I pray you'll have immense strength today. Julie

Ryan and Amanda said...

You probably won't read this until after the funeral, but I was just thinking yesterday about how hard the funeral will be and how much strength it will take and I started crying. And then I started thinking about how one time you told me that at your funeral you want people only to tell funny or happy stories, and that no one would be allowed to cry, that people would get up one after another telling happy stories, but if they started to cry they would have to sit down. I don't know that it would be possible for you to get through without crying, but I will be praying for yu all that mostly you will just be filled with all your happiest memories of your sweet Camille and will be filled with joy and peace along with your sorrow at missing her.
Love you,
Amanda

Anonymous said...

Reading your blog has been so comforting, Steph. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I am thinking and praying for you today especially. What love and support you have from your family at this time. Each of them is truly a strength.
My deepest love, Stacey Ord

Brian & Kara said...

Hi Stephanie,
I have been thinking about your family all week. Brian and I continue to pray for you and are amazed at your strength. I know you are at Camille's funeral right now and I'm sure she is there with you. I know today will be incredibly difficult, but I hope and pray you will be at peace and that both of you and your girls are ok. Hang in there!
~Kara

Heather said...

I'm a friend of Carolyn. I read her blog & have cried on every one of your posts. Words can't explain the way I feel for your family & what you are going through! I just wanted to say you are in my prayers & thoughts. I gave my 10 month old a big hug & just held my other 2 kids in my arms. I can't imagine what it would feel like to loose a child. I'm so sorry.
I think you have great faith & strength. What a beautiful family you have!
I pray for your continue strength.
What a wonderful mother you are~

xoxo

Megan D. said...

Stephanie,
I have been thinking about you all morning and praying that your heart and spirit may be lightened during the services today. I have been praying that Heavenly Father may illuminate your mind with understanding and His love may fill your heart with peace. Thank you for being so honest in your blogs. You exemplify the true meaning of a Women of Faith and always have. Sending lots of Love your way!!! Megan Dougherty

Jenny said...

You do not know me but we are praying for you and your family everytime we bow our heads. I cannot imagine your pain and I am humbled by your strength. Sometimes, in life, endure takes on a whole new meaning. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Karsen said...

Steph--
You had So You Think You Can Dance tickets? I love that show! I record it and watch it over and over again. I am borderline obsessed with it! I already signed up for tickets but haven't gotten them yet...You must be in the know somehow....When you go, let me know and I'll sneak in in your purse!
Love you with all my heart!
karsen

scrap chair potato said...

Since becoming a mother to more than one child I have realized that one of the hardest things about losing a child would probably be trying to help your other children through their grief. Your children are so lucky to have a mother that would take the time to leave the room and have a moment together to cry.
You, your husband, your children and your extended family are in my prayers.

Harlene said...

Stephanie,

I am a friend of Carolyn's and have been following what your family is going through right now. Our family has been praying for all of you and we will certainly be making donations in your sweet Camille's name. Please know how many are aware of your loss and praying that this difficult time passes quickly, but that the sweet memories stay fresh.

Cairen said...

I feel so sad for you girls having to deal with this loss also... I know they must really be missing their baby sister.
I am so excited for you to get to go to So You Think You Can Dance. I hope they will change the date for your tickets! That will be a opportunity for you to relax and have fun!

Johnsons Part Deux said...

found your blog...have been reading about camille, crying (at work) about the pain you must have felt, amazed at your strength, and ready to go back to work and realize my own life has been soooo blessed. camille has touched my life. thank you for sharing this with the world. you are amazing.

The Giuliacci Family said...

A friend told me about your blog. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight...I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. Your faith and love have inspired me tonight. Thank you for sharing so beautifully your trial and your beautiful angel family.

Elizabeth Giuliacci
Tracy, CA