Thursday, June 19, 2008

Coping

There are certain trials in life that force you into coping mode.  While, this trial makes every other trial in my life seem like a cake walk, the coping mechanisms for trials are the same.

What I AM doing.

Surrounding myself with loved ones.
Keeping busy,
Reading scriptures, conference talks, etc... lots  ... alone, with Jon, and with the girls
Praying ... lots and lots ... as individuals, a couple, and a family
Allowing myself 15 minutes each morning and night to cry in my closet and just let all the hurt out.
Trying to get back to normal life -- (went to pilates today)
Writing 
Loving and cherishing my kids
Talking to my kids about Camille
Repenting ... Sincerely ... Every day  -- to ensure I am as pure as Camille is pure
Going to the temple
Trying to keep my mind firmly on today and not let it wander to last Friday
Trying to learn and grow all I can from this loss

What I am NOT Doing ...
 
Asking why me.  I don't believe in that question.  
Isolating myself 
Crying with every person who comes over, even if They cry on My shoulder
Blaming -- not me, not any member of my family, and NOT God
My dishes (thanks family ;)
Cooking (thanks my sisters in the gospel)
Writing my talk for the funeral (been blogging instead)
Dressing Camille -(thanks Moms)- want to remember her how she looked before the autopsy 
Pulling away from my husband
Being angry or feeling life is unfair

Well I think I better change one of those.  Better move the "writing my talk for the funeral" up to the "DOING" list.  

Good night and again THANK YOU for your support and all those prayers from all of you known and unknown.  I REALLY feel their strength pulling me through each day and especially each night.  I am frankly overwhelmed by all this loving support.



26 comments:

Yvie said...

I cried reading your entries.
I don't really know what to say.

I know that your daughter now is in a good and happy place.

You now have an angel to guide you always.

*hugs*

munyer jerk chicken said...

Stephanie,
Your heart wrenching experience and your responses to it are making me a better person, a better wife and a better mother. I'm sure it's the same for many others. Thank you for sharing. My prayers all the way from Alaska are with you.
Tight hugs,
Bere

Rach said...

I clearly remember those first days and weeks after we lost Hannah and the sense of life never being the same ever again and trying desperately to find some sense of normalcy.

You are doing a wonderful job of hanging in there. Many prayers for you and your family. HUGS!

Rachael

Shanan said...

steph - you are a true example of strength, faith and love. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. My prayers, love and support continue to flow your way

Shanan

julie said...

You are amazing. Simply amazing.

Anonymous said...

Your posts are an inspiration to me to love and appreciate life. Why me? You taught me such a lesson on that one. I too am praying for you.

Evs & The Hubby said...

Stephanie,

Your posts have become a special moment of my day because each time I read I am filled with such peace, strength and tears. Your strength and honesty make me want to be an even better person because I can not imagine being as strong as you if I was in your shoes. We love you and you remain a constant in our prayers.
-Eva

The Howick Family said...

From another person you don't know... You are amazing! Your whole family is amazing! I get choked up everytime I read your entries and I amazed by your strength and trust in the Lord. Thank you for sharing this tragedy with everybody you know and don't know. You lift me up each time I read your blog (isn't that ironic?) You have my thoughts and prayers as well.

Jenny said...

Stephanie-
Thank you so much for blogging about your feelings throughout this difficult time. It helps me keep things in perspective as I mourn for you and your family and helps me remember that it is all in the Lord's plan. I go to bed at night crying and praying for you guys and wake up in the morning to read your blog and be rejuvenated by your strength. It's amazing the number of lives you are touching through this time. Amazingly, you are buoying us all up. What an special gift that is you have. We all love you so much and are so effected by your pain. Thank you for all your entries that help us remember to turn back to the peace that the gospel brings. We love you,
Jenny (Earl) Norton

Mythreesons said...

It's so eye opening to read your thorughts and feelings as you face each new day. I'm so inspired by your strength and ability to infuse some humor into your posts! I know it sounds strange, but in this last week, you guys have taught me so much about Heavenly Father and His plan for us. I'm sure you would prefer that I get my own trials to learn this stuff, but I am so grateful for your testimony and for sharing your thoughts. You continue to be in our prayers. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. You are indeed, simply amazing.

Traci Garff said...

Steph,
I'm crying. I don't have kids, but I so feel for you and your family. I know that you have an amazing support system. I LOVED your list of what you are doing and not doing. You are an example to many and will be able to comfort those that stand in need in a more real and powerful way the rest of your days. As I prayed and pleaded for little Camille, I truly felt in my heart that God had the power to heal your baby girl. With her passing, that faith has in no way deminished. He is all powerful, all knowing, all loving. A perfectly loving God has his own time table. Isaiah 55:8. Thank you for your example. Know that I love you and am praying for you.
Traci

L.and.R said...

Just want you to know that I am thinking of you all so much. My faith and committment to the Gospel has increased as I have been thinking of you and your family and reading your entries!! Thank you so much for sharing!! Love you, Lori

Lindsay said...

Stephanie -
You don't know me, but I was told of your blog. I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our three month old son Gavin last October. There is nothing easy about this, but I can see your faith and devotion. Please know that we are thinking about your sweet family.
Love,
Lindsay Bailey

julesttdmom said...

You continue to stay in our hearts and prayes. Your strength and love for the Lord are touching everyone who reads these. We love you.
BIG HUGS,
Presley Family
presleyfam.blogspot.com

Beth said...

You are a beautiful example of Grace and Faith-thank you for teaching us how to walk in the Light through the dark times. Continuing to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. God bless.

kdskids said...

Stephanie and family,
How grateful I am for an all knowing Father in Heaven who is there for us each and every day. How wonderful it is that you have been blessed with such a supportive family here on earth as well. This has truly brought so many of us closer to you, and each other, on many different levels. Thank you for reaching out to us and letting us reach out back to you.

Hugs - Kathy Fairchild

maryclaire said...

Your perspective and your strength are amazing. I've talked to E and R in the last couple of days, I told them how so many people who don't know you or the amazing harris family from anything have called or contacted me bawling. I'm sure that has multiplied for E and R and yet again for you. One thing I have been able to tell them is that though I don't know you too well, what I do know is that your strength and perspective on life here and into the eternities and your testimony of the gospel will get you through this. I was not wrong in saying that at all. You're doing it and you're doing it well. My prayers and thoughts continue to be with you, and I'm so glad that 2 of my favorite people are with you now.
Love you,
MaryClaire

Deb said...

Thank you for sharing. You have made me a better mother. I cry every day for you. I am always praying for you.

Melissa said...

Stephanie,
Nothing I say can truly explain how truly sorry we are for your loss. Your strength is amazing and your words are an inspiration.

If ever you need to step out, take a walk, or talk, I am right up the street, and I am here for you.

Your family is in our hearts and prayers everyday. We will be making a donation in sweet Camille's name.

Love,
Melissa Bolda
772 Roseholm Way

Carolyn said...

Stephanie,
I remember watching my brother and sister-in-law comforting friends and family at the passsing of their 5 yr old son. It amazed me how they were such rocks. I see that in you too. I suspect this is one of many ways the Lord will sustain and carry you through this loss. After all... HE is our Rock and Salvation. I appreciate your strength, wisdom and your daily scoops. (I love ice cream maybe we'll have to go for some sometime.) Praying your talk comes together for you as perfectly as sweet Camille.
Hugs 'n Smiles,
Carolyn Crockett

Anonymous said...

Stephanie,
Just keep "keeping on," putting one foot in front of the other. Remember, we are all here for you and thinking of your family. Thinking of you and admiring your strength (from across the street)....

Liz's Blog said...

Hi Stephanie!
As most people, part of my daily routine has been checking your blog everyday...to see how you are doing. I am amazed at how you are coping. I know what you are going through is one of the hardest trials a mom could go to. Your faith, your strength, your love is an example to me. I know that everyday will be a challenge in different ways but I want you to know that we, your girlfriends, are here for you, for whatever you want and need....and i am waiting for next week So You Think You Can Dance night!!!!!
Love
Liz

Michal said...

i don't know you--i wandered over from a friend's blog. and usually i would just blog stalk for a while without commenting, but i felt compelled to let you know that i will be praying for your family, too. i am so thankful for the gospel and the peace that it brings. the lord will carry you through this terrible trial and pour miracles down on your heads. he will help you become the woman he wants you to be. i know he loves you and your family.
thank you for sharing your faith in this forum.

Anonymous said...

Dear Stephanie,
I am sending you all the love and hugs from the Michaelsons and Kochs. We have been praying for you and your family often this past week. When I asked Gina how you were doing, she said you are one of the most spiritually strong people she knows and that she is sure you will get through this gracefully. I can see you are doing just that. Thank you for letting us be a part of your grieving. It is so important for others to see how this process can be strengthening, even as hard as it is. You and your sweet family will continue to be in our prayers.
Much Love,
Amy Michaelson Koch

jennifer woodbury said...

I am a friend of Darleen's and have been thinking of you all since she posted the news of the accident on her blog. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful Camille. You and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

LaRae said...

steph - thinking of you - always thinking of you - and amazed at what this blog has become.

love and prayers for continued comfort and strength - larae