Grateful

I am at 12 of my 16 reps of double leg reverse kicks at Pilates this morning when my instructor says, "four more!"

I am feeling the burn in my abs each time I crunch up and kick my legs out to a 45 degree angle while pulling my hands to my hips and extending the springs attached to the straps they are holding. I feel burn and it feels great. I feel strong. I am feeling centered.

"How about we do four more after the four more," I reply between breaths.

She has me do a new set of 16 instead. It is a new exercise I haven't done before. My legs shake as I struggle to keep them straight while lowering them to a 45 degree angle and lifting them back to a 90 angle. This time she has me hold the crunch while my legs shake in protest.

My abs have had it and we move to arms. We try new exercises there as well. The legs get their turn and throughout the routine I am enjoying the burn I feel and the growing strength I can see in my abilities. I add more weight to the springs to challenge myself and see if I can do it. And I can.

I am aware of my muscles the rest of the day. I feel them working in everything I do and I am grateful. Grateful for a body that can. Grateful that my center has been restored after an off day on Wednesday. Grateful to feel muscles and lungs and a heart in the space that was a gaping hole in the middle of me not so long ago.

Just Grateful.

Ditto to all the things mentioned in this video as well.

My Article in the Paper

The following is the article I submitted to the paper for the National Family Week Insert. It is the second article in the insert if you get the paper. Here it is for the rest of you who don't get the RJ.

My most cherished childhood Christmas present wasn’t wrapped in a pretty box or purchased at a fancy store. My favorite Christmas memory was the year my parents did a completely homemade Christmas.

I spent several afternoons at my grandmother’s house that fall. She helped me paint porcelain gifts for my parents, friends and siblings. Meanwhile my whole family was busy at home making a present for me.

Each of my siblings also got handmade gifts. Santa brought bulletin boards to frame each child’s treasures. My older sister received shadow boxes to showcase her dolls. We made wooden blocks for my younger twin brothers. My older brother still has the wooden puzzle of his name that we made for him. He even made one similar to it for his own son a few Christmases ago.

But I think my present was the best of all. Under a sheet with a bow on it Christmas morning was a homemade Barbie dollhouse. It had four rooms. The walls were wallpapered with extra wallpaper from our house. The floors were carpeted with extra carpet fragments. It was totally unique and the coolest toy on the block. I loved that each member of my family helped make it for me.

With money being tight this year, this may be a good Christmas to get creative and go homemade. While I am not crafty by nature, I have been taking sewing classes and I know people who can help me make fun wooden creations.

With all the crafty blogs and websites out there, it has never been easier to find and learn how to make wonderful gifts. The best gifts are the ones that show you how much you are loved. Thoughtful handmade gifts can show our love without the high price tag.

Family Week

Every year our local newspaper includes a special section for National Family Week. It is right around Thanksgiving. It is in today's Review Journal wrapped around the Classifieds. Each year there is a different theme to the section but it is always about families. This year it is focused on families getting back to basics in tough economic times.

This year it is a slim insert. In the past it has been 16 pages or so. This year it is just four full pages of the paper which they have divided into 8 half pages -- the economy.

This is an important insert and it promotes strong families in our community. The strength of our society is determined by the strength of our families. In a world where families are being torn apart, technologically distanced, and redefined we need to do all we can to support strong families.

So, if you get the paper, I encourage you to read the insert. Then let the companies who paid for the insert with their ads know that you appreciate their support.

Let's Bring Family Back!

Party Tonight!

It is my Dad's birthday today. My invincible, charismatic, knows everything father is 73 today. And in true Harris fashion, he is still up in the trees picking pomegranates, moving rocks at the cabin, building and fixing things nearly every waking minute.

The other day my kids were talking about how their Grandpas were different from each other. At first they said that Grandpa Harris was different because he liked to work. I pointed out that Grandpa Waite works a lot! Then Sabrina summed it up perfectly. "Yes but Grandpa Waite likes to work on a computer and Grandpa Harris likes to work with tools."

I am grateful for a father who all my life has taught me about my Father in Heaven by his own example. I have always known my Heavenly Father loves me because I knew how much my Dad loved me. I can't imagine my Heavenly Father would love me any less. And just as my Dad has been there for me to help me out every time I have called him, so my Heavenly Father has been there for me as well. Every time I call upon them for help I get a miracle of one sort or another.

Tonight we will be celebrating with my Dad and his chocolate cake that he has been dreaming about making. Afterward I am hoping to see some friends show up for So You Think You Can Dance tonight. We will start the show at 9 p.m. tonight. Hope to see you there.

17 Months

Yesterday we cleaned the house -- deep cleaned. We all worked really hard. Then we got out the Christmas tree and set it up. Then Dad brought in our new Camille Christmas tree. I bought it after Christmas last year to hold all the angel ornaments. The girls wanted to decorate it.

One by one I unwrapped each ornament and the girls placed them on Camille's tree. With each one I felt the love of the person who took the time to find or make or buy the angel and send it to us. There was so much love in the room. I was so thankful again for all of you who sent us ornaments last year. It was so wonderful to think of Camille -- our own family angel -- as we decorated her tree.

After the tree was decorated we took the girls to Red Robin for dinner with friends. There we ran in to other friends. We saw a family there that we hadn't seen for a long time. Their "baby" was now a kid. The last time we saw them he was a newborn just weeks old. The last time we saw them was when they came to visit us in Camille's hospital room. I was so happy to see her new baby and get to hold him for a minute. I was so happy to hold a baby who moved. I was so aching to have my baby move.

And last night there was this newborn all grown into a kid.

I knew this weekend marked a "Friday the 13th." June 13, 2008 was also a Friday. I never really noticed or cared about Friday the 13ths before. I don't like them so much now. And today is Sunday the 15th. Today is 17 months. Babies born 17 months ago look like little kids now. And my heart - shattered 17 months ago -- is healing well. It is still sore at times, the tears still come easily. But I am healing.

It seems that first year, and especially the first 6 months or so of grief you are in a cocoon of love. At first the angels are so present all around you and the veil is so thin. They help you survive. They are like life support to you. They protect your heart from literally bursting.

In time you feel that heavenly cocoon wear away. But there is still a cocoon of friendship and family that surround and support you. They still hold your heart tenderly in their thoughts and prayers. But one by one, as time passes, there are new emergencies to think of and other problems to pray about. After a while the cocoon of support wears away and little by little we must make our way in the air. I feel I am out of the "cocoon" of new grief and mostly I find my new wings are keeping me in the air. And with these wings I intend to fly forward, not back.

6 Months

The other day I walked into my room and found Annie and Noble playing. It was such a wonderful site. The joy was just emanating from both of their faces. I am so thankful for how healing Noble has been for my girls. Now that he is older and less cranky he has really begun to love all the attention they give him.

He is sitting up really well on his own now. He turned 6 months last week. This makes it so much easier for him to play with toys. He is not much of a roller though. He has rolled over once each way as I noted in previous posts, but he hasn't rolled on his own since then. I think he tried it and didn't like it so well. I think he will be crawling before it is rolling over well.

As Noble gets closer to the age Camille was, she is fresher in my mind. Sometimes I am feeding Noble and then suddenly I am back two years ago feeding Camille. I constantly have to remind myself that he is only 6 months and can't eat foods that Camille could eat. I have never had this happen with my other children. I guess because the older child was right there next to me. But often I find myself almost caught away back to doing the same thing (feeding, rocking, nursing, loving) with Camille. I wonder what it will be like for me when Noble is older than Camille ever was.

I see my friends with children that were the same age as Camille. I have several friends who had babies within weeks of Camille. Now they are all two and talking and walking and being little people. When I look at them it is hard to imagine what Camille would have been like. I do not think of her so much when I see them. I do not know her at that age.

But I do think of her when I see a 14 month old. Perhaps I will forever have a soft spot in my heart for that age. At least until I am able to hold my 14 month old again. But for now I will be holding and loving my 6 month old and enjoying every minute of his babyhood.

In the Trees

I have been up in the trees a lot lately I guess. Last week we did the annual pomegranate picking at my parents house.

The girls loved helping out.

We ended up with lots of pomegranates to juice.

This was, however, the smallest crop we have ever had as my dad severely pruned the largest tree late in the season. We only had the wheelbarrow and about 3 boxes. We usually have double that,

But at the end of the day things lined up nicely.